Discipline

I've always struggled with how to discipline

I wanted two things for my children
--them to feel like they could talk to me and question me without getting punished
--them to do things because they wanted to and not because they feared me

We definately have the first, maybe a little too much and now I am trying to explalin that it's okay to question us and I'm even willing to explain my reasoning, but not every order/request is up for discussion.

I haven't quite figured out the last one. With grace, I was able to realize that some requests were just silly. there was no reason for her to get dressed everyday, we could eat lunch when she was ready, play with the toys she wanted, etc...she was an only child, it was easy to negotiate and spent time coming up with ways to encourage her to go along with what I request. With Chrstopher, it was even easier because his personality was to please.

But, I still found myself spanking them...not really because they directly disobeyed, or because they were horrible, but because I had little patience and didn't want to take the time to sit down and work with her. Everytime, I would feel horrible..quilty that I took the "easy" way out. Spanking didn't make sense to me and I didn't see how it was biblical or even loving and I knew that if I felt that horrible when I spanked, surely it wasn't right. It was the only thing that I did as a parent, that really felt wrong. Eventually I stopped spanking.

I always wondered what people meant when they said they believe spanking is mean for direct defiance only. Grace, would rarely purposelly disobey us and the rare instances she did the heartache she felt was enough punishment for her to learn that next time maybe listen to what we tell her. CJ cares too much about pleasing others, to go against what we say. Sure, they both didn't listen sometimes, or talk back, or even do something we asked them not to, but the intention wasn't direct defiance. They got caught up in something else and once we sat down and discussed it, it was quicly taken care of.

Then came Aaron. Add in a dose of stubbornness, a dose of speech delays, and a dose of 3 year old and you have Aaron. He, unfortunately taught me what direct defiance means.

Our daily conversations go something like this:
Me, "Aaron, go put your pajamas away."
Aaron, "No, me go eat."
Me, "Aaron, did you hear what mommy said?"
Aaron, "pu amas bum, bum" (put pajamas downstairs)"
Me, "okay, go put your pajamas away. Do you need help?"
Aaron, "no, me go eat." as he walks off
Me, catching up to him, kneeling down and talking to him "Aaron, look at me."
Aaron, turns his face so he makes sure that he can't see me at all
Me, "Aaron, you need to put your pajamas away and then you can eat."
Aaron, "no, me eat."

Repeat for every conversation we have (with the other kids, the conversation would be over after I asked what I told them and they repeated it back to me. it was really all they needed for my request to click."

So, I finally get it. I understand what direct defiance is.

So, we are back to spanking. So now our conversations end with
Me, "Aaron if you don't put your pajamas away, you'll get a spanking. You can choose to put your pajamas away like mommy asked, or you'll have to get a spanking and then put your pajamas away."
Aaron, "no, me eat."

I still feel bad for spanking him (because as a mother, I hate seeing my kids in pain and being the physical reason for that pain is really hard), and I'm still looking and praying for another way to discipline him and guide him, but I somewhat see why with direct defiance spanking may be okay and may be biblical.