Wadsworth Wonderings

Discipline

2012-01-16T18:33:00.002-06:00

I've always struggled with how to discipline

I wanted two things for my children
--them to feel like they could talk to me and question me without getting punished
--them to do things because they wanted to and not because they feared me

We definately have the first, maybe a little too much and now I am trying to explalin that it's okay to question us and I'm even willing to explain my reasoning, but not every order/request is up for discussion.

I haven't quite figured out the last one. With grace, I was able to realize that some requests were just silly. there was no reason for her to get dressed everyday, we could eat lunch when she was ready, play with the toys she wanted, etc...she was an only child, it was easy to negotiate and spent time coming up with ways to encourage her to go along with what I request. With Chrstopher, it was even easier because his personality was to please.

But, I still found myself spanking them...not really because they directly disobeyed, or because they were horrible, but because I had little patience and didn't want to take the time to sit down and work with her. Everytime, I would feel horrible..quilty that I took the "easy" way out. Spanking didn't make sense to me and I didn't see how it was biblical or even loving and I knew that if I felt that horrible when I spanked, surely it wasn't right. It was the only thing that I did as a parent, that really felt wrong. Eventually I stopped spanking.

I always wondered what people meant when they said they believe spanking is mean for direct defiance only. Grace, would rarely purposelly disobey us and the rare instances she did the heartache she felt was enough punishment for her to learn that next time maybe listen to what we tell her. CJ cares too much about pleasing others, to go against what we say. Sure, they both didn't listen sometimes, or talk back, or even do something we asked them not to, but the intention wasn't direct defiance. They got caught up in something else and once we sat down and discussed it, it was quicly taken care of.

Then came Aaron. Add in a dose of stubbornness, a dose of speech delays, and a dose of 3 year old and you have Aaron. He, unfortunately taught me what direct defiance means.

Our daily conversations go something like this:
Me, "Aaron, go put your pajamas away."
Aaron, "No, me go eat."
Me, "Aaron, did you hear what mommy said?"
Aaron, "pu amas bum, bum" (put pajamas downstairs)"
Me, "okay, go put your pajamas away. Do you need help?"
Aaron, "no, me go eat." as he walks off
Me, catching up to him, kneeling down and talking to him "Aaron, look at me."
Aaron, turns his face so he makes sure that he can't see me at all
Me, "Aaron, you need to put your pajamas away and then you can eat."
Aaron, "no, me eat."

Repeat for every conversation we have (with the other kids, the conversation would be over after I asked what I told them and they repeated it back to me. it was really all they needed for my request to click."

So, I finally get it. I understand what direct defiance is.

So, we are back to spanking. So now our conversations end with
Me, "Aaron if you don't put your pajamas away, you'll get a spanking. You can choose to put your pajamas away like mommy asked, or you'll have to get a spanking and then put your pajamas away."
Aaron, "no, me eat."

I still feel bad for spanking him (because as a mother, I hate seeing my kids in pain and being the physical reason for that pain is really hard), and I'm still looking and praying for another way to discipline him and guide him, but I somewhat see why with direct defiance spanking may be okay and may be biblical.

We've been spoiled

2011-11-09T20:29:00.002-06:00

It's almost 3 years to the day (November 16, 2008) that we first met with therapists to determine if Christopher needed speech services. At ever meeting, at every session, and during every conversation, I always felt like they not only heard what I said, but really listened. They made sure they understood my concerns, our goals for the boys and I felt like we were a team.

I expected the same from the public school team and was sadly disappointed. 5 days later, I'm still processing what happened.

I really hope that Aaron proves me wrong and that the therapists are right--that he'll continue making progress even though he's losing almost 4 hours of services a week. It saddens me that as his parents, our concerns and our observations were not taken into consideration.

I'm not as sure of the transition now, but I can't let that show. I have to trust that God had this planned from the beginning and that I'll be able teo look back and see how this was the best idea.

Nearing the end of the chapter

2011-10-25T11:42:00.003-05:00

In less than a month, Aaron will be 3. I'm amazed at how far he has came in the past couple of months. Yesterday he said an 8 word sentence and it warms my heart.

We had his evaluation with the public school. To say I was stressed, is putting it mildly. I knew he would qualify for speech, there wasn't anyway he wouldn't, but I was unsure if they would see his potential, if they would see his amazing ability to communicate without words, if they would see his feelings about not being able to talk, if they could see that it's just not speech that he needs.

They told us that he definately qualifies for speech services. But, then they just kinda looked at each other and said "we don't know what else to give him." It was repeated many times tha this case is hard, that there is something else he needs, but they weren't sure how to provide that. He's not delayed enough to qualify for special education, not talking well enough to be okay without a supplemental program and because of his birthday, it would probably be hard finding a place that would take him.

Why I doubt God, I don't know, but I did. I stayed up worrying about how we would find a preschool, what would happen if he didnt get a preschool, that somehow in 2 years we would regreat whatever decision we made. Why didnt I remember that God had it under control. The evaluators may not have known what services he needed, but God did.

Jon and I knew what we wanted. We wanted a small group setting preferably under 15 kids who were talking age appropriately. We wanted a group that wasn't focused just on academics, but introduced the kids to some. We wanted teachers who would accept Aaron for where he was at--encourage him to talk, but not let him get lost among the other kids just becuase he couldn't talk. We wanted a place 2 days a week at a place we loved. Our first choice was the preschool CJ was at, but we were under the understanding that they couldn't take him because of his birthday...so I stressed. All weekend I stressed, cried and second guessed any idea I came up with.

Then Jon went Monday, talked to the preschool and not only do they meet all the criteria, the teachers are more than willing ot sit down and talk to the speech therapists--working together to give Aaron what he needs, finding out ideas to encourage him, and the bes tpart is that this will be the same preschool he'll be in until he starts Kindergarten.

It's not set in stone--we still have to sit down and have an official meeting and schedule his speech services, but now I can rest easy. We are leaving behing our early intervention family, but we are getting a new family, a new group of people who will love Aaron and fight for Aaron, a new group of people that will rejoice with every new word.

Spiraling down

2011-09-19T13:34:00.002-05:00

I've been on an "Aaron is talking" high lately. It's not uncommon for me to have him "show off" his newest words--currently saying his last name and asking us where we are.

It's amazing how quickly that high, just spirals down.

Yesterday, I inquired about a program that the older kids do. I wasn't sure if Aaron could start when he turned 3, or if we needed to wait until the next fall. He has been feeling really left out, lately with the older two going to school, glasses at the art program, and this program.

The lady eagerly told me that when he turned 3 he could start. I said "just wanted to make sure you understand he doesn't talk very well." Her tone changed and I could tell she wasn't okay then with him doing the program. Needing to repeat back what the leader says is a large part of the program and while I understand that, I also understand that exposure to the lesson is also very important. My heart sank and I fought to keep the tears at bay as I said okay and as Grace said "but, he'll try to repeat what you tell him, you just won't be able to understand it." The leader, relented and said we could try it.

But, I don't know if I'll be comfortable trying it.

As a ex-leader I understand the reasoning, as a mom of a special needs child--it upsets me.

Partly it upsets me because this is the first time we've experienced it. It's not like he has that many things that he's done, but everyone has been so accomdating and understanding that he has a speech delay. His sunday school teacher is amazing with him, his VBS leaders were wonderful and of course his therapists at playgroup are great.

Partly it upsets me because he's only 3 and already is being told "no" because he can't speak as well as his peers. This time it was from an adult, but I know eventually it'll be from a child :(

As we left, I climbed into the car and just cried. Cried that he's different, cried that the adult wasn't willing to get to know him before she said no, cried that Grace felt the need to stand up for her brother, cried that we are already fighting the battle, cried that the whole situation happened, cried that I have to explain to people that he can't talk clearly and just cried that after so many ups, we got such a huge downward spiral.

I'm comforted knowing though, that while he still has a huge uphill battle he has a large group of people fighting it with him and as Grace proved last night--we won't take it sitting down. We'll make sure that he has the same opportunities as everyone else.

Aaron Update

2011-09-18T11:40:00.002-05:00

As we approach Aaron's 3rd birthday, I find myself overly worrying about what could happen. There is no doubt that he will qualify for speech services, it's just a matter of us making usre he gets all the servcies he needs. There is a chance that he'll qualify for preschool, but that will depend on if they have room, if they feel his speech delay is large enough and if Jon and I feel that the preschool class is a good fit.

Part of his school evaluation, was Jon or I filling out an assessment. They gave us 5 pages of skills to ask him to do and we'd mark if he could always do it, not do it at all or sometimes do it. The other day, I sat down with Aaron to fill out the assessment. At the end, I was amazed at his scores. Going just based on could he do them or not, he scored always do it on all excpt 4 questions. But, I had to make note on almost 10 of them, that while he can give the correct response, others wouldn't be able to understand him.

That's where his speech gets funny. I've been asking people "can you understand Aaron?" and without skipping a beat everyone says "Yes, we know what Aaron is saying." and then I clarify with "can you understand him verbally?" and they pause, think about it and say "no, we can't understand most of the words that he says."

But, he has the amazing ability to get his point across or say something that he knows is the right word. For example, if you ask point to superman and ask him who it is, he'll pretend to fly, while making the noise of a plane. If you point to superman and ask him who he is, he'll pretend to climb. If you ask him how old Kate is, he'll hold up and show you 0. If you ask him his name, he'll tell you "uhrn whawore" You know he's saying Aaron Wadsworth because you just asked him what his name is.

He also has a lot of "code" words for words he can't say. Grace is ee (with a weird sound in front making it sound almost like the letter g), Christopher is ee uh, Kate is baby, downstairs is bum, bum, bum (but he can say done), jacket is brrr, drink is cup or sipping sound, ice cream is a licking sound, all animals are the animal sounds (except pig).

That's not to say that he doesn't verbally talk--he does and more and more he's picking up words and saying them clearly--it's just that it's hard to figure out how much others understand because he uses other means to communicate.

One of my favorite conversation he has had was with one our our Early Intevention workers. She asked Aaron if he played on teh computer at playgroup and he said "yes (emphasis on the s--haha). She asked if he had a computer at home. He said
"yes, ee bum, bum, bum. ee uh, bum, bum, bum. daddy, bum, bum, bum." He was answering her question and she knew he was answering her question, but she had no idea what he meant (she did know bum, bum, bum meant downstairs based on previous evaluation mmeetings with him).

my other favorite conversation was one I overheard the other day. Kate was laying on the ground and babbling. It was a somewhat high pitched "aaahhhhh" and he ran up to her leaned over and said "no, baby, me Uhren."

Whatever the next couple of months bring and as intimidating it seems to have to decide what is best for Aaron, I know that he can communicate and as a family we are all learning to communicate better.

Aaron update

2011-08-19T21:23:00.002-05:00

It's been a couple of months sense Aaron was diagnosed with apraxia of speech. The progress has been amazing. One day it seemed like he woke up and something clicked and it hasn't stopped. I've stopped expecting it to shut off and crazily can barely remember the days of him being silent.

There was once a time where the therapists forms would read something like "Aaron was quiet today. Wouldn't imitate words or sounds" and it meant just what it said--Aaron was quiet. It would have been a half hour or hour of the therapist pushing him to repeat something and Aaron not talking at all.

Now when the forms read "Aaron was quiet today" it means that he wasn't necessarily repeating everything he asked, but he was far from quiet. Yesterday's sheet read something like "When the therapist asked another child how old he was, Aaron turned and said 'I two'. When we went on a walk, he pointed out and verbalized tree, swing, car, walk."

It's so amazing to see his progress. I can understand about 80% of what he says, Jon can probably understand about 70% and good friends can probably understand 60%..and the percentage is even higher if we are paying attention to the context of what he's saying--which would be easy, but now he's also started talking about things that happened hours or days in the past--so we are racking our brains trying to figure out what he's telling us or something going on will remind him of something else.

He still has a long way to go...but it makes me happy knowing that he's made enough process that the words "Aaron was quiet today" means something so much different than it did 2 months ago.

Oh the aching back

2011-06-22T13:55:00.002-05:00

I'm not sure when I realized it, but for the past couple of years I've noticed that my spiritual/emotional status is directly related to how I'm feeling physically. If physically, I feel miserable, I find myself spiritually and emotionally drained.

My back has been acting up off and on again since Kate was born. It seems to be happening more and more and is so frustrating. I know from countless visits to doctors that there isn't anything they can do--I just need to get better at doing my physical therapy exercises and strengthening my stomach and back muscles.

Back pain and 4 kids doesn't seem to go together. Kate wants held most of the time and that triggers the pain more than most things. She also loves to curl up next to me and sleep, which also triggers the pain. The more the back hurts, the more upset and down I get.

Today I'm down :( Jon's gone for his 12+ hour day, the kids are bored, Kate is clingy and the back is aching a lot :(

The three sweetest words

2011-06-16T17:55:00.002-05:00

The past couple of weeks have been a whirlwhind of emotions and activity. Family forgot my birthday--I got a "happy birthday" in passing, but that was the extent of birthday greetings from some family members. I try hard to convince myself it doesn't mean I'm not important to them, but it doesn't work.

Later that some day, I got a horrible e-mail from a family member's boyfriend. I like to think that I would normally, just let the e-mail slide off my back..but being the third e-mail from "family" in the past 6 months and I was convinced that I was a horrible person and totally and completely unloved.

But, Jon and the kids and good friends and my mom and some siblings, were there to convince me I was a good person, loved and treasured. Between Quad Cities, fun at the cabin, fun in Madison, getting to know other moms and having the kids and Jon spoil me for my birthday, Mother's Day and anniversary, I found myself forgetting the hurt of forgotten birthdays, hurtful e-mails, horrible accusations from "family" and self-doubt.

Then came a horrible speech therapy session and separation anxiety. Aaron was less than cooperative, I was frustrated, the speech therapist was frustrated and I was ready to throw in the towel. I was worried that I wasn't going to be able to keep a strong front for Aaron, help him remember that he can do anything and God can and will use him for mighty ways. Throw in Kate and horrible separation anxiety--I was emotionally, physically and spiritually drained.

After a fun-filled, super emotional weekend to Madison, I was dreading a busy weekend filled with vacation bible school, speech therapy, swim lessons, library programs and the regular things we needed to do.

Monday, among the chaos of the first day of Vacation Bible School, I fought with a reluctant Christopher to go to this class, wore a tired Kate, and hoped that Aaron would adjust quickly to his class and not cling to my legs. Not even 45 minutes into Vacation Bible School and my mood lifted.

There, my speech delayed son, stood babbling non-stop. 2 hours later, I was soaring, wondering what came over him. Got home a little after 12:30 and what normally, would be an exhausting time of fixing lunch, calming Kate, breaking up squabbles...was enjoyable. Who cares if they were fighting, Kate could cry for a little bit as I talked to her from the kitchen..Aaron was babbling and had barely stopped for a breath. Tuesday was pretty much a repeat of Monday and words were being added left and right. Some new, some that he began using without any prompting. I thought for sure that come Wednesday, we'd be taking the leap back to "normal". He didn't babble as much, but still talking without much prompting.

Woke up this morning, somewhat dreading, bracing myself for the worst. Walked into the living room and was greeted by Aaron's normal morning hug. Then he said the three sweetest words "daddy, mommy up." 3 words! My baby boy said 3 words..in a row..without prompting.

Shortly after it was therapy time. The therapist was barely through the front door, when he informed her "baby, daddy, bye-bye." She grinned at me and I said he's been talking non-stop all week. 45 minutes later, we were all on cloud 9. Aaron talked without prompting, repeated words he has never said before and gave the therapist a huge hug before she left.

I have been looking forward to the day that Aaron tells me "I Love You" without prompting and while I'm sure that I'll cry buckets when he utters those words for the first time without any encouragement..."Daddy, mommy, up" sounds just as sweet.

It helped put a lot of things, into perspective. Aaron showed he loved and treasured me, by being excited that I was up and wanting to tell others (after he told Jon, he went and told Christopher). Family, may not have remembered my birthday, but they love my children and that matters more than me. Hurtful e-mails may take years to get over, but they were all in response to how they felt I was hurting others and that's a testimony of love.

I know that there will be more unforgotten birthdays, more hurtful e-mails and Aaron may at any minute just stop talking again...but for now I'm taking joy in those three little words and hopefully next time I get frustrated I'll remember today.

Labels

2011-05-25T08:30:00.002-05:00

Everywhere I've been lately has discussed labels. Not always using the same term, but the same idea.

When are they okay--are they ever? Are they cut and dry, black and white? Are they every changing?

How can one person read a book and see it be God inspired and another person read the book and be so adametely against it that they decide the author may not even be a true Christian?

How can a person define a great parent based on a list?

I personally love labels. I find it interesting to see just how one label is defined so differently.

I read once "Christians can't be crunchy." The person who wrote it meant--a Christian won't recycle, won't eat organic, won't use more natural products. My immediate thought was "how can a Chrstian not be crunchy?" I didn't reply to the poster, but I realized that we had the same idea of crunchy, just different ideas of what makes a Christian.

to be cont

It's official--Apraxia journey continued

2011-05-17T18:35:00.002-05:00

I've cried more tears in the past 2 days than I remember crying in a long time. Aaron has officially been diagnosed with Apraxia.

I found his original assessments from March 23, 2010--16 months. Expressively he was at a 6 month level--a 62% delay and comprehension he was at a 9 month level--a 44% delay. As of the beginning of may, almost 30 months old, his expressive is at a 18 month level--40% and comprehension is at 33 months--0% delay.

The meeting with the therapists and intake officer went okay. The therapists said how much they enjoy coming to our house, how great of parents we are, and how bright of a boy Aaron is. They worked to make our schedule as easy as possible--2 days, 3 different sessions and done with both sessions by 1 pm, which really frees up the day, makes getting grace home from school easier and the best part is that we only have to be here on hour a week, meaning Jon's work schedule won't be messed with much.

The frustrating part is that once he turns 3, he is done with EI. We start over with new therapists, new schedule and the chances of them working with a child who has Aaron's specific disorder is very thin.

I'm frustrated---I don't know if I'm ready for the start of this new journey, but God hasn't given me a choice. He has great plans for this journey and great plans for Aaron and I know as he adds new words (7 since Wednesday) this journey will get easier.

The Kindness of Strangers

2011-05-03T13:00:00.002-05:00

I was in awe when Brian was hospitalized by the kindness of strangers. Most of the strangers were fellow Christians--all lifting him up in prayer, but some gave of their time, finances and other resources. It was comforting being surrounded by family, friends and strangers who all had one goal--to provide comfort and love to Brian and those around him.

This week, I'm in awe again by the Kindness of Strangers. When I was pregnant with Christopher, I joined an online mom's board of women all due May 2007. We all welcomed our babies into the world and a bond was formed. A bond that many people can't understand.

In August 2010, one of our board regulars announced that she was recently diagnosed with cancer--lung that had spread. She was one of the strongest women I have known. Her husband is special forces and was deployed more often than not and with 4 young girls at home, she faced every challenge prior to the cancer with determination, eagerness, and a positive attitude.

She has fought cancer the same way. Coming on every couple of weeks to update us on her status--always making a comment to make us laugh and smile and always being there to give advice, a huge, or honest opinion.

We found out late last week that she was a lot sicker than we had known. Hospice had been called in. As a group 60+ women came togehter to find someway to let her and her family know how much she has met. We may have never met her, but we knew her.

As we changed our status on facebook, changed our profile pic to her favorite show and worked hard to make sure that she got the vow renweals that she wanted before she died, that her daughters 4th birthday didn't get overlooked in the midst of her last days, that her husband didn't have to worry about food, cleaning house, running errands...I was brought to tears many times.

But. Im more amaazed by the strangers who are stepping forward. An etsy store expediatring lockets for her girls, another etsy store making an out for free, school age boy writing the girls a letter because his mom recently died, people donating to her family. It blows my mind.

As I held Christopher today and told him about our friends sister who is dying and explaining to him why its sad to us that shes going to live with Jesus and her friends and family need our prayers, it really hit me how many lives we touch.

I have never met Randi, but thousands of lives are being touched by her life and the strangers coming together to make the last few days as easy as possible. But, we shouldnt wait for those last days. We need to make that difference today

Help Mom. Help mom

2011-04-29T13:48:00.002-05:00

Every word Aaron speeks is treasured. I'm sure one day, I'll wish for him to just stop, but everytime he comes and talks to me, I get so excited. Jon and I joke that when he starts really talking, I'm going to have to leave him home when I go to the store, because I'll buy him anything he asks for.

The past week, I've really been struggling with the depression again. Just sitting in my comfy chair, surfing on the internet, and trying to stay afloat. I found though that when Aaron comes and asks for help, I drop everything to see what he needs.

There's something about a 2.5 year old, looking at me, signing with his hands help and saying with his mouth "help mom" that makes my heart melt. For help to be one of his two dozen words he has, is huge to me. It's one of the words we really worked on.

I am horrible asking for help. I have no problem asking Jon for help, because that's part of our relationship. But, when it comes to asking others for help, I just don't.

I need to get better at that. Not only at asking friends and family for help, but to ask God.

As I continue to battle depression, I find that the deeper I go, the less I lean on God. But, just like Aaron seems to know that the quickest way for me to drop everything is to hear the two little words "help mom"...I know the easiest way to get me out of the pit is to just utter "help."

It's a lot easier to say than actually do...

Sign Language

2011-04-26T13:43:00.002-05:00

Strangely enough, as a child I had an obsession with sign language. I'm not sure how old I was when I had the opportunity to go to a local college and take a sign language class. We learned to sign God Bless the USA. Then I learned two signs and signed them in talent shows and won best solo. My dream at one point was to become an interpreter. I had my heart going on a college where I could take classes in sign language, but didn't like the fact the college dorms were co-ed so found another college.

We taught each of the kids basic sign language. It came in really handy, especially when Grace wasn't talking in public and she could sign "thank you" or do hand motions to communicate to me. It especially comes in handy during children's time when I have to tell them to sit--haha. Our sign language videos (signing time) greatly outnumber any of other kid videos and each of the older kids has a dozen or so words they can sign.

But, never did I imagine that some day I would need to learn it and teach it to be able to communicate more effictevely with my kids.

Our collection of sign language material has pretty much grown greatly since December---flashcards, books, a learning kit, videos, cds, etc....

I'm excited and nervous to become bilingual. Excited to see how much it helps Aaron and nervous if I will be able to consistently work with him.

The resoucefullness of the boys

2011-04-10T20:37:00.002-05:00

Even though, Aaron does not have more than two dozen words/sounds, I am amazed at how well he is able to get his message across.

Most of these messages, are funny. Others are sad, but those are usually shown the same way--screaming, hitting, crying, kicking, pretty much taking his frustration out on whoever is closest and Kate. Totally not blogging material.

The funny ones, though are bloggable.

He has became very talented at letting the other kids we need them. The first time, I thought it was just a fluke. The second time I was amazed and finally the third time, I asked Grace how he lets them know that I need them. She said he just stands there and repeats "mom" or "dad" until they follow him out of the room.

If he's fishing for a compliment, he'll run up to you and point to whatever he is wearing until someone says "nice shirt/shoes/pants/hat, etc. Aaron"

Sometimes translating what he's saying is hit and miss.

Like a couple of weeks ago when he came up to me and said "bum, bum, bum, brrr, un" That translates to "downstairs, cold, done". So, I took of his shoes and he snuggled in the chair with Kate and I. Jon came up a few minutes later asking where he was and said he was really asking me for a jacket. So, we got his jacket, put his shoes back on and he went back outside.

Today was another hit and miss day, but he did get his point across. I had been in the upstairs bathroom and Christopher was in the downstairs bathroom. Aaron, like usual, followed Christopher downstairs. I could hear them talking, but iddn't think much of it. I finished up and came and sat down to relax before the crazy morning hustle. Aaron came up and told me "bum, bum, bum" (downstairs). I told him I knew Christopher was downstairs and it was okay. Aaron kept persisting "bum, bum, bum" and I reassured him I knew Christopher was downstairs ( I assumed he was telling me christopher had woke up since I was in the bathroom when C woke up). He tried a different tactic and started pulling on my hand and saying "um, ere" (come here) and I todl him I would in a minute. I could tell he was frustrated, but I was engrossed in reading my email. He tried one more time to get his point across. Turned around, bent over, pointed to his bottom and said "es, es" (this, this). The light dawned, he was telling me Christopher needed wiped. (now,usually C will just yell until we hear him, so not sure why he didn't this time.)

Laughing, I go downstiars to help Christopher. Still laughing, I tell Christopher what Aaron had done. He looked at me, grinned and said "I know mom, I told him to point to his butt to let you know I needed wiped."

Why, hilarious, the incident warmed my heart. Christopher wanted help and for whatever reason, wanted his little brother to convey the message. Knowing, that he may not get the message acorss, he told Aaron how to let me know. Instead of getting fustrated and overwhelmed, Aaron was persistent.

Having 2 boys, 18 months apart is an adventure. They are either best friends or enemies...and I'm glad that wherever the struggles of Aaron's speech lead us, that he has a big brother looking out for him.

Apraxia--The thoughts

2011-04-02T11:56:00.002-06:00

My feelings are torn.

I'm not naive to think that any of my children are perfect, but something about the word Apraxia just breaks my heart.

I'm thankful that it's not life threatening. Yes, Aaron may get made fun of...yes he may struggle with his self-esteem...yes, he will have a long road ahead of him...but I know that it's not going to physically kill him.

I wonder if we are doing the right thing. 4 hours a week, doesn't seem like a lot..but 3 of those hours are going to be pushing him to do things he can't do. For a child like Christopher, who really for the most part goes with the flow, it would be easy. For a child like Aaron, who gets frustrated if pushed too far, it will be a struggle.

I know if it was a physical ailment, I'd not question it. If the doctor told us that we needed to give him 4 hours a week of asthma treatment, I would in a heartbea--even if he fought it, even if others questioned it...I would faithfully give him that treatment.

I have to view speech therapy the same way. Others may question what we are doing, but I know first hand that verbal communciation makes life easier. The more someone can understand you, the easier the tast at hand is.

I feel overwhelmed. Most days I feel like it's a struggle to stay afloat and now I'm adding 2 more hours a week of scheduled activity. The other kids needs will be set aside, while I focus on Aaron. The tv may become a babysitter, Kate may have to go hungry fo ra little bit, Jon's work schedule may be toyed with, grace may have to ride the bus instead of being picked up. The house will need cleaned more often (or at least the living room), the car will need more gas. Those 2 hours are going to cause a lot of things to change.

But, I know it's worth it. I joke that I still get so excited to hear Christopher talk that when he asks for something at the store I give in and I'm worried how much I'll spend when Aaron starts talking and asking for things.

I know we have the best team beside us. One day Miss K was sitting in our living room and Aaron was having a great session. He had just started saying Dad (after a year of calling him mom and us working with him) and started saying animal sounds and as I tried to hold back the happy tears, Miss K looked at me and said "It just wants to make me cry."

His therapists are like family. Miss K has known him pretty much his entire life. We all know that the road ahead will be long, but we all know that when Aaron looks at us for the first time and says "I love you" it will have made the journey seem like nothing.

And since I've been there, I can tell him that Yes, the kids and adults may comment...but his speech delay is part of who he is. Laugh about it because it's part of him.

Apraxia--The Journey Part 2

2011-04-02T11:42:00.002-06:00

Grace was a late talker. At 18 months, she had 18 words, but by 24 months she was speaking in sentences and having conversations like she had been doing it forever. When she was 2, I began babysitting a little boy and his would receive speech services at our house. It was interesting to see how playbased speech therapy was. I was thankful that Grace wasn't receiving the services, but also comforted that with little kids it seemed more fun.

Christopher also had 18 words at 18 months, but unlike Grace where we knew what she was saying, Christopher sounded like we were listening to him under water. He tried so hard to make the right sounds, but the right sounds didn't always come out. We had him evaluated a few weeks before he turned 18 months and I almost cried when they told us he would qualify for speech services. At 18 months and 3 days ( remember since it was the morning after Aaron came home from the hospital) we began our first session of therapy. They finally concluded that his speech delay could be related to swollen adnoids/tonsils and fluid in the ear. Sure enough, just weeks after having the adnoids/tonsils removed and ear tubes put in, it became easier and easier to understand him. By 3, he was talking well enough that he didn't qualify for services from the school district and the week of his 3rd birthday, we told his playgroup bye.

Aaron at this time was already receiving services in the home. He began in mid-April--17.5 months after his met Miss K for the first time as she played with CJ, she was now sitting on the floor of our living room playing with Aaron. Where, CJ progressed leaps and bounds (even though CJ was not talking clearly before his surgery, he was still picking up words left and right), Aaron didn't. 6 months after receiving once a week services, we added speech. In January, we added playgroup.

A couple of weeks ago, he had part of his yearly review and the A word was brought up. Even though it had been dropped in conversations as a possibility, it was never brought up as something definite, until his year review. As the therapist left the house, I broke down.

Knowing that the chance of diagnosis was strong, I couldn't deny it anymore. The diagnosis doesn't change who Aaron is, it just brings it to the front. I asked for prayer on vairous places, let the grnadparnets know that the diagnosis was a possibility, and reserached the services availalbe to him in Dixon. Still, a part of me hoped that when the speech therapist did the official evaluation, she would decide that it wasn't apraxia.

Tuesday, I again had to snap out of denial. Miss K had told me that she talked to the speech therapist and she was able to do the evaluation when she returned from maternity leave. If he was diangosed with aprxia, they would bump his services up to 4 times a week (so far he was only receiving services 2x a week-because it just worked out that play group didn't have an opening until right before the speech therapist went on maternity leave). I left playgroup--with the word IF being my main focus. It was still an if. Still a chance he didn't have it.

Friday, I casually asked Miss K if the speech therapist had given any hint of if she thought Aaron did have apraxia. Miss K just looked at me and said that the speech therapist talked like it was official, she would be diangoxing Aaron with apraxia.

Mid-April a large portion of our dialy schedule will revolve around aaron's therapies. 3 days a week, I'll have to figure otu what to do with other kids while we work with him, make sure he gets fed in time for therapy, make sure he gets lunch and napped in time for therapy and do whatever homework we have to do on the off days.

Apraxia--The Journey Part 1

2011-04-02T11:14:00.003-06:00

They Apraxia Journey began 29 years ago, when my parents seeked help for my speech. I wouldn't stop talking, but what was being said, nobody really knew. My first speech teacher I remember was Ms. Crabby. I remember vividly sitting in an inclosed room with heavy headphones on my head, raising my hand every time I heard the beep. My second vivid memory is speech class with Miss Stagner. By now, I was in grade school and had stopped talking as much since kids can be cruel and I was consistently being made fun of for my speech. It didn't help that I lived in a town of blondes and had dark black hair or that I was being pulled out of class for speech.
I remember the games, the pracitices and the reassurance that I was doing great.
My last viivid memory of speech was a meeting with my mom (and possibly my dad) and Miss Stagner, prior to moving to a new school. I was 13 and I was given the option to continue speech class in the new city, or decide I was done. After 10 years of speech class, I decided I was done. By then, I was uncomfortable speaking in large groups of people, having improptu conversations or indepth conversations because I knew the chances of me misprouncing a word would probably occur. It probably didn't help that I spoke very quickly and that teenagers aren't much kinder than first graders when it comes to speech problems.
In high school, it wasn't that big of a deal. I hated classes that made us give speech, but I think I attended a large enough school that my speech disorder wasn't that big of a deal.
In college, I remember three instances that reminded me that my speech was far from perfect. The first was learning that the things we color with aren't pronounced crown, but cray-on. It was quickly discovered, though, that the misprounciation is because my parents also misprounce it and not directly related to my speech delay. The second instance was when I realized that not only can I not hear the difference between pin-pen, I also can't say it. This was a huge realization, as it was a class needed to be a early childhood teacher. I had changed majors prior to taking that class and I was thankful since, teaching the difference between those two words--seems important for a teacher. The third, was when someone asked me how to spell my name. Age 22 and I find out that for 17 years (took me until I was 5 or 6 to be able to pronounce my name semi-correctly) I was misprouncing my name (again--the en-in problem).
Shortly after Grace was born, I began worrying about one of my kids having a speech disorder. That worry, encouraged me to seek more information on what my problem was. After reading online and talking to a speech patholgist on-line, I discovered that I more than likely had dyspraxia.
After I read the description to my mom, she agreed that that was the main problem, with probably articulation problems adding to the struggle.

Dyspraxia of speech is
For some children, the primary difficulty is in making and co-ordinating the precise movements, which are used in the production of spoken language, which results in severe and persisting speech production difficulties. The condition is termed developmental verbal dyspraxia: it may occur in isolation or in conjunction with general motor difficulties.

Basically it means that while I can hear the sound in my head, by the time the signal gets from my brain to my mouth, I wasn't able to form the correct sound. Now as an adult, I know there are times that I have to stop, think and really focus on making the correct sounds. I've learned to adapt and even joke and laugh about the speech problems, but there are still struggles.

I'm not comfortable teaching my kids how to read or the sounds of their letters, so we rely on vidoes. I sometimes confuse them with wrong pronounciations of words, when I don't stop and think about it. I avoid situations where there will be a lot of impromtu talking or situations where I'll be talking to someone I don't know well (customer service, one on one meetings, etc). Pretty much any situation, where it's more noticeable.

But, unless someone is told that i have a speech problem, it's not noticeable.

But, my biggest fear as a parent was that if they had any delays, it would be a speech delay...not that the speech delay is bigger than other delays, just that I didn't want my kids to experience a struggle I knew so well.

Obsessed with Harry

2011-03-26T20:09:00.002-06:00

Grace has a new obsession. Some kids her age are obsessed with Justin Beiber, some with clothes, some with shopping. Grace is obsessed with Harry Potter.

We can barely have a conversation without it somehow being linked back to Harry Potter.

I can remember the time that I was first introduced to Harry Potter. I was working at the library. The books had to be kept behind the circulation desk, so they would stop disappearing (being stolen). The chances of the book being returned, even checked out was slim. My supervisor asked one of us to read the series so we could give our opinion to parents about if it was age appropriate. I volunteered and quickly finished the first 3 books of the series.

I don't remember the number of families who said they were Christian who objected to the books. We heard many complaints and honestly ignored most of them. They hadn't read them and seemed to be just repeating what they heard. It actually warmed my heart that one of my favorite Christian families were huge fans of the series. My parents old pastor objected strongly to the book and even confronted my mom about letting her teenagers read the series. He later apologized to my mom and admitted that he had never read the series, was just repeating what he had heard and once he read the series, he realized it wasn't as bad as he thought.

As Grace picked up one book after another and read them, I really questioned if it was okay for her to be reading it. Since it has been 8 years since I read the series, I picked up the books and began reading them (Jon had listened to them all and gave his okay for her to read them--but I really wanted to know what they were talking about).

The books are amazingly written. The storyline is so smooth, the characters are so real and most so loveable. You pick the book up and don't want to put it down (could be that Harry Potter is to blame as much as Kate for my lack of sleep lately). The story comes alive.

I don't see anything unbiblical about the series and if I searched hard enough I could find somehow to make this series relate back to the bible.

the biggest problem I have with the series is that I so desire to have this same longing for the Bible. I want to sit down and read the bible and fall in love with the characters, want to act out the book, want everything in my life to link back to the bible. I want to sit up and loose sleep because I was so immersed in the word that I couldn't put it down.

I want a God obsession and more than that I want my kids to have a God obsession.

100 books Part 2

2011-01-21T14:16:00.003-06:00

I realize I'm not going to be able to come up with 100 books. Which is sad, since I love to read. I'm really trying to focus on reading books that will inspire me, change me and challenge me. So hopefully every month, I'll find another book or 2 to add to the list.

I also wanted to figure out why these books stood out. Some (like And the Shofar Blew) was because it challenged me, others (like Alphabet City) was just because I liked the book. The Westing Game was because it was a book Jon and I read together, Spiritual Midwifery because it is a great resource book. Some just because they are easy reads (Debbie Macomber), some because it makes me laugh (Monk), and some because it makes me cry (A Child Called It).

I realized it's that way about life. There are some people in my life who are there because they inspire me, change me, and challenge me...there are some people in my life because of something we shared in the past, some because they are quirky and make me laugh, some because I can just be me around them, some because they make time go by faster and more enjoyable, some that make me laugh and some that make me cry.

As I cleaned out our bookshelf last week, some books were easy to toss in the sell pile, some I had to think more about, and others I knew I could never get rid of and would keep forever. Some I kept because I knew the kids liked theme ven though I didn't understand why. Some I kept because they seemed important event hough I didn't necessarily like them.

I know this though process is part of getting past my hump and conqureing my PPD. I have to do the same with feelings and my actions. I have to figure out what I can get rid of because it doesn't matter and what will continue to challenge me to be a better person and what I need to hang on to because it's imporant to others.

PPD is rough, it's a struggle and one I would rather not have. IT doesn't help that backpain occassionally is so bad that doing things other than sitting, brings me to tears. So days like today are rough, but comforting that I can grab a good book or email a good friend and get a lil bit of encouragement

Post Partum Depression

2011-01-20T09:39:00.003-06:00

PPD and breastfeeding problems were two of my biggest fears when pregnant with Kate. Both, I experienced with all the other kids, so I expected to have both with Kate.
I had the breastfeeding problems. And since she's still a snacker and would prefer to eat every 1-2 hours (if not more often) for a couple of minutes, instead of every 2+ hours for 10 minutes or longer..it still is rough.
But, I was so exicted when week by week passed and I didn't find myself sinking into depression. I was so excited when I went for my post-partum check up and was able to say, no problems. I'm happy, I'm content, overwhelmed, but not depressed.
Just early last week, I told someone I was happier than I had been in weeks. Then, out of nowhere, I wake up on day and as I went about my dady I kept sinking deeper and deeper. As I woke up day after day, the feeling remained and I soon had to admit, it arrived. I was again fighting Post-Partum Depression.

With the other kids, I was able to find some outside stressers--it made it easier to explain the depression away, easier to live with it each day because I could say "when such and such happens, it'll be better," easier for Jon to understand and help. With Grace, it was the worst and I know without a doubt it was because I had sucha horrible time with nursing and no peers to support me during that time and was criticized by one of Jon's friends for not nursing so I beat myself up and sunk. With Christopher, it was also linked to nursing problems. He ate every hour for 20 minutes and I felt trapped and then he started losing weight and I felt like a failure. With Aaron it was our housing situation and then Brian's accident. After Aaron, it took me a long time to fight it and my marriage suffered because of it. I became so totally dependent on Jon and expected so much, that I was misearble and wanted out. It was just a year ago that I was so frustrated with my marriage and depressed. Then I got pregnant and it was a kick in the pants. Hormones or something snapped me otu of the depression. It was sitll a rough pregnancy, I was still never totally happy or content, but I wasn't miserable.

With Kate, there isn't any outside stressors and I think it makes it harder. There is NO reason I should wake up everyday dreading the day and longing to climb back into bed. My marriage is great, I couldn't ask for a better husband, all of the kids are healthy and sweet, I have great friends, my family isn't too crazy at the moment, but still I fight the depression everyday.

Not to say that since kat ewas born hasn't been rough. We fought sickness after sickness, I've been overwhelmed, kids have been crazy, but at the end of each day I fell in bed happily exhausted and woke up happily exhausted.

Yesterday was the hardest. Miscommunication, me feeling sorry for myself and just couldn't snap out of the depression. Today started off the same.

I need to find a way out. I've done it 3 times before and I know I can do it again. I also know myself well enough to know though that I can pretend it's not boethering me and force myself to shove it aside and go about my day. I know myself well enough to know that if I do that I will self destruct. So, I'm going to let myself veg for a couple of days, not try to be super mom and just be. It's not letting the depression get me but for me it's how I need to battle it. I need to fight it--not by staying busy and conquering projects one by one...but by letting myself veg and just be.

Purpose

2011-01-18T12:43:00.002-06:00

I realized my boredome is directly related to me trying to find my purpose. As a Stay at Home Mom, I struggle with what my purpose. I loved working because I could see the immeidate results of my work. As a SAHM, those results aren't always seen. I can clean the livng room, go to the bathroom, come back and the living room needs cleaned again and there doesn't seem to be a greater purpose of cleaning, except that I have a hard time relaxing if things aren't done.

I've also been worried about overdoing it, so I've been underdoing it. I don't want to be one who spends so much time cleaning and cooking that I forget to spend time with the kids. I don't want to be in the midst of a project or fixing supper and then miss out on something that the kids did or need because I'm caught up in my projects.

So, I haven't let myself get invovled in anything deep. I read easy ready books so that I can pull myself away easily, I surf the internet and read mindless mom boards or play silly games so I can't pull myself away easily, I do easy projects that won't matter in the end so I'm not too invested in them. So, instead I sit at home bored because I'm too afraid to get invested in something that will take me away from the kids when they need something.

So, I guess realization is the first part. The next part is figuring out what to do to make my day to day activities have a purpose. Even if that purpose for now is small. I odn't want my kids growing up and remembering sitting on the chiar with me watching tv or playing on the computer and I odn't want my kids growing up and remembering me doing dishes, cooking meals or folding laundry. I want them to grow up and remember me playing games with them, reading books with them, fixing meals with them, and learning together how to make our life have a purpose.

What am I missing?

2011-01-16T13:46:00.002-06:00

When Grace was nine or ten months old, we went to a friends house and I asked the husband what his wife did when she was bored. 8 years later, I still remember the shocked look on his face and eagerly awaitted his response--finally I was going to learn the secret of being a Stay At Home Mom and not be bored. His response was she cooked, cleaned and took care of the kids. My heart sunk and 8 years later, I'm still searching for the answer to my question--What am I Missing?

Jon was gone for 3 days this past week. By Wednesday evening--laundry was caught up, my big projects for the week were completed, the house was clean and I was bored out of my mind. Leaving the house, to just leave the house, seems pointless and expensive (and Kate had a cold so I wasn't taking chances of her picking germs up somewhere)

I have 4 kids--I shouldn't be bored out of my mind, but by Wednesday of every week, I'm bored. By the afternoon of most days, I've accomplished my to do list and have 4+ hours of day left and sit on the computer just to waste time.

When Grace was little, I really had myself convinced, I was just very efficient. I am very efficient--all of my employers have said so. Every job I've ever had, I would finish my assigned tasks and then have to go hunting for more things to do because I was bored. It wasn't that I did a poor job, I gave it 100% and completed it satisfactorily--I just finished it quicker than they expected. So, I know that I am efficient.

But, I must be missing something. There are of course things I could do--we could do more crafts, I could deep clean the house everyday, I could bake/cook with the kids (or just bake/cook), I could go shopping...but even if I do all of that I'd still have 3 or 4 hours a day of down time.

So...what am I missing? Why with 4 kids am I bored out of my mind most days?

Finding a church home

2011-01-15T19:49:00.002-06:00

I am a self-proclaiming church shopper. I blame it on my childhood.

Growing up, I had one pastor, my dad. To this day, I am certain that my dad is one of the best pastors in the world, if not the best. He's real, he's sincere, he's honest, he's empathatic, he's sympathetic, and he is the least judgemental person I know. So for 18 years, I heard the same type of sermon and was able to go home and discuss the sermon, question the parts i didn't understand and disucss the parts I didn't agree with. I also was known by the entire congregation and was able to be as active as I wanted in the church. Dad also did a great job of shielding us from any negative aspects of the church--if there was a problem with a member of the congregation, we never knew about it.

In college, I met the second best pastor in the world. A man who opened his heart and home to service. He was truly the man who would give someone else the shirt off his back. When attending that church, we were one of handful of white people who were not part of the ministers family...yet we were accepted and loved as if we had attended the church forever. The church was family.

When I got pregnant with grace, we left the above church because I didn't want to travel the 20 minutes. It was one of my biggest regrets, but it did help me understand that I'm pretty cynical when it comes to church.

Since then, I've searched high and low for a church where the pastor is real/sincere/Godly. One who is honest when he's struggling and honest when things are great, one who doesn't believe that because he's the pastor he is in control of the church, one who is willing to be questioned about what he said, and discuss his beliefs, one who is willing to give up the shirt off his back, one like my dad and Pastor W.

Since then, I've searched high and low for a church that serves. One with an active youth group for when the kids get older, one with an active children's ministry so the kids can learn with their peers, one with a congregation that opens their hearts and home to those around them without trying to "save" them, one who understands that if people live their life sincere the unbelievers will come see what their life is about, one who doesn't turn their back on those who believe differently, one who opens their as wide for visitors as they do for their regulars, one with peers my age who are open about their beliefs even if they aren't my beleifs. One who worships God wholeheartedly--during the ups and downs. A church where I can be active even though I'm a newbie, without being criticized for the fact I do things differently.

My ideal church would be the church we attended in college because they truly did the above, with my dad and Pastor W preaching (unfortunatly Pastor W died right before Grace was born).

So back to my church hopping. In the years since then, we've found churches that fit a few of what I want, but not all of them.

In collinsville, we were able be active, the pastor and I had great discussions, we were welcomed wholeheartedly, it was a great church, just was missing the peers.
In Watseka, we had the worlds greatest pastor, we were able to serve, we were accept wholeheartedly, just was missing the peers.
In Dixon, we had the peers, we had a great pastor, we were just criticized for how were served and I never felt accepted.

So we are searching again. I know the perfect church for us exists. It's just a matter of finding it and me opening my heart to a pastor who may be different than the 4 pastors that I've met and loved. I just want to serve and learn, with open hearted, open armed, loving, accepting group of people...who live thier life the same sunday as they do rest of the week. I want a pastor who is open and sincere, is okay being questioned and discussing and who knows the church isn't his. I want to wake up Sunday morning refreshed by either a great Saturday service or knowing that a great sunday service is awaiting me. I want to learn more about God with my children and leave service happy and not frustrated

Another illness

2011-01-12T12:36:00.004-06:00

Almost 2 years ago, we sat in the hospital as Aaron laid in the hospital crib next to us being poked and prodded by the nurses. At a little more than 2 months old, he had been hospitaled for a 103.5 fever. I still remember standing in the doctor's office, our regular doctor had left for the day and for whatever reason, as a family we all went to the doctor. Jon had stayed in the waiting room with the kids and I took Aaron back. As the doctor told me he was being admitted, I was stunned. It was just a fever. Jon thought I was joking when I went out and told him. Thankfully, it was just a virus.

A little more than a year ago, we were getting ready to head out to visit family later that week, when Aaron started running a fever. Eager to make our visit to family, Jon took him to the doctor. We figured it was an ear infection and antibiotics would kick it's butt and we'd be on our way when Friday arrived. Aaron runs high fevers--at least five over 104 before he was 18 months old and this was just a measly 102.5 fever. He couldn't have been that sick. I still remember Jon describing how the nurse practically ran out of the office to get the doctor, after she listened to Aaron. He was a sick little boy--bronchilites. Two more visits were made to the doctor that week and thankfully we were given the okay to go visit family as long as we had a humidifer in the hotel room, we knew wehere the closet ER was and we took precautions to keep him away from people (so we took turns at the hotel and then made a makeshift room for him at the family's house).

Both times, I figured it wasn't much of anything and both times I was wrong.

So, when Kate woke up Monday morning, sounding like a cat when she cried, sounding awful when she breathed, and just not looking good, I thought for sure she was sick. There was no doubt in mind that we would get to the doctor's office and they would tell us she had RSV or tell us they were going to monitor her and either admit her or we would be making daily visits. So as a family, we again piled in the van and sat in the doctor's office (we had to be somewhere later that evening-or else I'm sure we wouldn't have all gone). I joked to Jon (who is the main doctor taker of the family) that if Kate got hospitalized I was never taking a child to the doctor again--LOL. I took Kate back, while Jon stayed with the other three kids (keeping them entertained in the waiting room did not sound fun to me). I breathed a little easier when the nurse didn't seem alarmed after listening to Kate and tried to figure out a way to make Kate cry so the doctor could hear how horrible she sounded. The doctor came in a few minutes later, checked her over, listened to her whimper and declared her perfectly healthy excpet for the common cold. I really don't know who was more shocked that it was "just a cold"--Jon or I and even Grace asked many times when Kate would cry "were we sure she was okay."

Experiences with sick kids, really makes me know that I would never cut it as a doctor. I thought for sure with Aaron, both times, that it was just going to be a quick in and out visit and both times it was cause for concern and the time that I was truly certain that Kate was sick, it was just a common cold.

I wonder if that's what we are like as Christians. We look on the outside of peole, their outward appearance, what they sound like, what they act like and we make a judgement on if they are a Christian or how good of a Christian they are. But, like the doctor who listens more closely to the inside, so does God.

It's not my job to diagnosis my kids and it's not my job to judge others. Hopefully I can do a better job and not doing both this year

And another week down and the passing of another year

2010-12-09T09:33:00.003-06:00

Saturday marked the six year mark of my due date with "Hannah Sue" It would have pretty much passed without acknowledgement and the only reason I knew was because it fell on the same day that it fell on six years ago. Which meant, that six years ago we started our tradition of opening gifts the first Saturday of December.

This year the tradition was somewhat of a bust. Jon woke up sick with the stomach flu middle of the night on Saturday. CJ woke up at 3:00 am eager to open presents and then joined Jon with puking. That didn't stop CJ though from waking up at 7:00 ready again to open presents. So despite a sick daddy, overtired mommy (the three other kids were also all up for the fun of it in the middle of the night--so from 3-6 I did not sleep), sick CJ and a fussy Kate...we opened presents. The presents were soon ignored by all except Aaron since Grace joined the sickies.

the first big snowfall of the season was falling outside and we couldn't even enjoy it. No sled rides, bare feet run in the snow, hot chocolate...just a day pretty much stuck inside.

So, the day was spent more with me and Kate trying to avoid the sickies so we wouldn't ge sick, Aaron going between the sick room (where the kids were watching tv) and the living room, and the sickies sleeping and watching tv.

Sunday, Kate turned 6 weeks. I don't even remember any more how many weeks of her life someone has been sick--way too many--LOL. We have had two family outings in those 6 weeks, I have not even been out of the house with all four kids by myself yet, Jon hasn't gotten a full weeks worth of work in yet and it's been about 10 days since I've left the house since Monday I was busy disinfecting the house and Tuesday I got the stomach flu.

I'm not even sure now how we are adjusting. We survived 6 weeks--so I guess that's a start.

High Needs take 2

2010-12-02T19:02:00.002-06:00

or 3 or 4. Possible I just forgot about the boys being fussy, but I'm thinking they were fairly easy babies.

One of my biggest fears when we found out Kate was a girl, was she was going to be high needs and I'd screw her up. Most of my insecurities, anxieties, and feeling of failure all revolve around being Grace's parent. It's not that she's necessarily a difficult child to parent--it's more that I don't know how to parent her.

Kate is a cryer and I feel all of my insecurities and anieties rushing back. I wake up in the morning and just long to sleep some more so I can put off the day a little bit longer.

This time is a little different. I know that it will end, I know that even though I may screw up and continue screwing up that Grace and I still have a strong relationship and she loves me and Kate will too, and I know that there are others out there.

The Above Ruby magazine arrived today. I usually toss it in the recyle bin without even opening it (since my request to be taken off the mailing list never seems to be followed and no matter where we move it keeps arrivinga and it opened to moms who were talking about their high need children.

Kate is still too young to figure out if it's just adjustment to life outside the womb or if she really is higher needs than the boys...but it's comforting knowing that we aren't alone.

"Good Luck"

2010-11-29T11:55:00.002-06:00

After a week of fighting illness and a couple of days with very fussy Kate who wanted to nurse nonstop , I was worried about getting back into the routine of things. Last night I was filled with great ideas of how to get back into our weekly schedule, what my priorities to clean would be, what time I would wake up, and just convinced myself that today would be great.

Well, after finding myself up much later than planned again (had to watch series finale of Monk with Jon), being handed a crying Kate 10 minutes after I last fed her by a confused jon who was certain he had been holding her for hours (when in reality he had walked to the living room with her and back before giving her to me--LOL), and then having a nightmare that I was pregnant again followed by a dream that we never had sex again because I was too scared to get pregnant and our marriage fell apart, when my alarm went off at 6:00, I set it again for 6:30 and then asked Jon to wake me up at 7:00 and then fell back asleep before finally getting up at 7:30 when it was pretty much get up or let the boys destroy the house--LOL.

Sometime in the midde of the night my great ideas when to bitterness that morning was going to come and I was going to be doing the same ole same ole. I didn't want to wake up and take a shower, didn't want to have to nurse Kate all day long, didn't want to break up the kids fighting, didn't want to clean the kitchen, didn't want to put the blanket away, didn't want to work on laundry, didn't want to sit on the computer feeling guilty for not doing any of the above...you get the point..just didn't want to do the same exact thing again.

Jon could sense my mood. So as he left to take Grace to school he looked at me and said "Good Luck."

I thought about those two simple words a lot this morning. I didn't need Good Luck, I needed an attitude adjustment. I could do it--it wasn't a matter of was I able..it was a matter of did I want to.

As the morning progressed things go done. My desire to do the things didn't change--I still didn't want to do any of it...but my attitude changed.

i need to think of ways to break up the monotony of being a SAHM. My habit of retreating to cyber space isn't the answer, the projects I find to compete get finished quickly, my house can't be cleaned much more than iti does...which means I need to find something to do with the kids and something that will help me feel productive.

It's Monday...at noon...and I'm already bored out of my mind and there are stil 4 days left--LOL

The Table Experience

2010-11-29T11:40:00.003-06:00

I've always struggled with eating dinner as a family at the dining room table. I can't narrow it down to one main reason--I'm sure it's many different reasons combined. I know though that I've tried many times to understand the importantce of it and nobody could give me a good reason. The reasons varied from because it's important to God to because it'll make you stronger as a family. Nobody was able to elaborate on any reason and neither reason was really good enough for me.

Thankfully Jon never pushed the issue. He would let me know it was important to him, but it wasn't pushed. The kids would encourage me, but again not pushed. I think we all know that like everyone else in our family, I needed to decide on my own to do it.

Through the years I tried different things to help get me to the table--games, kits that encouraged dinner talk, even thinking maybe a new to us table would help. They would help for a couple of days until I'd go back to eating by myself. I was content, but knew Jon and Grace would love us all to eat together.

So I finally caved and bought a book some recommended--The Table Experience by Devi Titus. I wasn't even done with the second chaper that it clicked. She said she did a search of the bible for the word table and ton of scripture came up. She then mentioned being amazed at how many miracles and important events happened around the table.

I cant even explained why it clicked, but it did.

I finished the book. Rest of it was just ho-hum, some fun ideas...but what I needed to hear was in the first few pages.

I know myself well enough to know that there will be days I don't want to eat as a family and days that i just want to retreat to my room and eat...but I now have found a reason that makes sense.

100 books

2010-11-27T17:14:00.004-06:00

A recent list went around facebook of a 100 books and people were asked to mark which ones they've read. I've always been a reader and was shocked by not only how little of the books I've read, but how little I've even heard of. So after a comment from a friend, I decided to work on my list of 100 favorite books. Books that influenced me, the books that are my "must haves". It'll probably take a couple of sittings because I don't want to look on my shelfs, but just think about them and let them come back to me.

Not in any particular order. I thought about making comments, but that's a LOT of comments, so I guess no comments for now and some of the authors may not be accurate

1. And the Shofar Blew by Francine Rivers
2. The Atonement Child by Francine Rivers
3. Spiritual Midwivery by Ina May Gaskin
4. The Monk Series
5. Any book by Debbie Macomber
6. The Orphan Train Series
7. Halfway to Forever
8. Parts, More Parts, Still More parts
9. Alphabet City
10. The Natural Child
11. Attached at the Heart
12. Natural Parenting
13. any book by Hugh Holton
14. Little Women
15. P.S. I Love You
16. The Westing Game
17. 39 Clues
18. Percy Jackson Series
19. Twilight Series
20. Cul De Sac Kid Series
21. Have You Seen the Monkey Man and Sequel
22. A Child Called It Series
23. The Table Experience
24. How to Talk so Your Kids will Listen (haven't read the whole thing)
25. Your Explosive Child (haven't read the whole thing)
26. The Excellent Wife by Cynthia Heald
27. The Five Love Lanugages by Gary Chapman
28. Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller
29. The Seat Beside Me by nancy Moser
30. In a Heartbeat by Sally John
31. The Praying Wife/Mom by Stormie OMartian
32. Nancy Drew
33. Hardy Boys
34. The Spiderwick Chronicles
35. Septimus Heap Series
36. The Monster at the End of this Book
37. The Bobbsey Twins
38. Books by Karen Katz
39. Books by Doreen Cronin
40. The Little Old Lady Who Wasn't Afraid of Anything
41. Karito Kids
42. Emotional Intensity in Gifted Children
43. It Takes a village
44. Tiggy Series
45. Tana Hoban books
46. The Last Lecture

Nobody said it was going to be easy...but really???

2010-11-26T22:25:00.003-06:00

Kate is almost 5 weeks old. Didn't expect it to be easy...but expected it to be a little bit easier than it's been.

Week 1--okay. Kids transitioned okay, nursing was a struggle as we expected, emotions were here there and everywhere as expected, but all in all it was okay. I felt better than I had most of the pregnancy and it was nice to feel "normal" again.

Week 2--a little bit worse. Got a weird pain. Hard to get up and move with a constant ache. Bleeding got heavier and I was drained. Aaron started having a hard time adjusting, but nursing was getting easier and we even got out of the house once or twice

Week 3--good. First visit to church, made it to mom's group, made it to bible study and except for Grace being home sick one day we were doing good. Still a little overwhelmed and drained since Jon had been back to work and trying to get in as many hours as possible since Kate was a day old..so kinda felt like there wasn't much of a break, plus Kate still wasn't sleeping well at night so jon and I were both exhausted and he found himself late at night trying to get work hours in and I found myself up late just enjoying me time.

Week 4--not so good in the am, great after 11:00. Kate entered the fussy stage between 7-11. The boys entered crazy stage the same time. So I was sitting nursing Kate most of the morning and the boys were restless and spent that time beating each other up so we resorted to a lot of tv watching. Afternoons and evenings were easier and it was nice being able to get projects done. She was sleeping better at night. Aaron got sick one day so it was a rough day, but I was beginning to get a little bit more confident. Decorated for Christmas as a family of 6.

Week 5--ummm, no words. Looking forward to Thanksgiving and visiting with family and celebrating Aaron's birthday...but that didn't happen. I have strep throat and 6 days after the first symptoms I'm feeling a little bit better, CJ has strep and is acting like nothing is wrong, Jon has a throat infection and is beginning to feel a little bit better, Grace and Aaron are tired of being cooped up and being bounced between home and grandparents (not tired of visitng grandparents...just tired I think of going in between)and Kate is super fussy and wanting to nurse all day during the day. I let myself get dehydrated and after a day on just formula, a broken pump, throwing up occassionally, and just being ran down has left me totally overwhelmed, frustrated, and exhausted.

I'm nervous what week 6 holds. Jon has to go back to work (he's taken days off as we try to get healthy). I'm hoping by Monday I'll be back to 100%.

I wouldn't trade it for the world...just would have liked longer than 5 weeks before things got super crazy out--but I guess next crazy week, I'll know we made it through this one :)

Have you filled a bucket????

2010-11-02T22:55:00.004-06:00

While browsing amazon, I came across some books. Eager to try anything that might bring harmony and kindness to the family, I added them our wishlist. While placing a very belated birthday order for Jon's birthday, I went ahead and added the books to the order.

The books are now added to my pile of attachment parenting books and books that I reach for when I need encouraged in gentle parenting. The concept of the book I really got and it seems to have really clicked with Grace.

Its very similar to The Five Languages love tank concept, which really makes sense to me. If we actively fill someones love tank, they fill loved and will fill someones love tank and its a great cycle.

We each have an imaginary bucket. When we do kind things we fill someones bucket and when we see their reaction of happiness or appreciation, pur bucket fills up. On the flip side, if we aren't nice or react negatively we dip into their bucket and our bucket gets dipped into.

After reading the book yesterday, Graces attitude changed. It was like she understood and we discussed how good her and I are at dipping into each others bucket and the vicious cycle it causes. We talked about how it's something we actively have to do because it's so much easier to just react based on our feelings and not think about how it makes other people feel. Dipping is easy for us, but filling seems to take a little more thought, patience and effort.

So now I'm trying to put the concept into practice. I don't want it to be something where we pat ourselves on our back everytime we do something nice, but I want the kids to learn that when we do something nice for someone and put someone else's wants/desires above our wants and desires that we are happier. So, I think our buckets will be filled with ways people filled our bucket and then we'll keep a journal of ways that we can fill others people buckets and actively work on that.

I'm hoping that as a family we can fill each other's buckets and we'll become closer to each other.

Thoughts on the birth

2010-10-28T11:37:00.002-05:00

I've had some people ask me if this was my favorite birth or if I was glad that I got my homebirth. Honestly, not ever having a horrible birth experience or even a semi-bad one...I'm not wowed by the experience. Birthing at home wasn't much different than birthing in the hospital with the boys. It was nice not having to travel. My favorite part was by far the kids waking up to their sister in the next room.

I think I am almost disappointed. I expected it to be less hospital like. Of all the births, Grace's was probably my least favorite and I realize now that I was hoping that this birth would redeem hers. That I would understand the "wow" factor of having a homebirth. Christopher's birth was the hardest, but I thik having a big sister to greet him after birth made it top Grace's birth. Aaron's birth was super easy and my only complaint was the doctor not showing up. Kate's was just ho-hum. Yeah, it's a great story and I love the "wow" factor of it and having a homebirth and being different and I'm really glad we gave it a shot.

It really cemented that with the right doctor, right support team, right frame of mind that it's possible to have a great birth at home and in th ehospital.

Kathryn Lynnlee

2010-10-26T07:49:00.002-05:00

October 24, 2010

11:50 pm

6lbs 10 ounces

21.25 inches

13.5 cm head/chest

I was super anxious this pregnancy and after not feeling good for the most of it and my legs falling asleep anytime I got up the last week, I was pretty much over being pregnant. Two prior days I felt twinges of something and thought perhaps that was going to be the day, but both times eventually realized it wasn't.

October 24

Jon headed to Sunday School and met up with the kids who spent the night at grandmas and grandpas the night before. They came home and then shortly left again for bible study and Awana/wally ball. I stayed in bed most of the day just taking it easy and feeling frustrated that my due date was here and soon would be gone and i would still be pregnant.

8:00 I settled in bed and watched some netflix feeling the twinges of something, but not wanting to get my hopes up. jon and the kids got home

8:30 I decided to sleep just in case something happened

9:00 Decided sleep wasn't happening. At one point Jon got the kids all in bed and came out and I looked at him while on the computer and said "I know something you don't know" Since we were expecting news of our friends proposal he got all excited and wanted to see the computer and I simply said it wasn't something on the computer. So he thought for a minute and said "youre' having contractions"

9:30 Contractions were getting timeable and somewhat intense. I told Jon to call his parents and the midwife to give a headsup and I would call my mom to give a headsup. Just told them maybe tonight was the night and we'd call when we needed the midwife and if we needed Tom or Nancy to come take the kids and not to worry if they got a middle of the night phone call :)

10:00 I take a shower and ask Jon to call the midwife back and ask her to come. I'm trying to get the house picked up and the contractions are getting more intense and I sometimes need to focus, something I'm not used to. I keep telling myself that it can still be a really long night, despite the other kids being quick. I start gettinga nxiouss and worried that I'm going to tear bad or it's going to be a long day. Keep telling Jon that I just need to focus

10:45 Midwife assistant arrives

10:55 Bernice arrives

11:00 Bernice gets her stuff all set up and asks me when my last contraction was and I replied "they are pretty close together" at the same time Bambi answered "she is a hard read". Takes my vitals as I continue walking and pausing through contractions.

11:30 I ask to get checked because I was worried the boys would wake up mid pushing

11:40 Bernice checks me while I'm standing up and I'm 8cms and Kate is 0 station she thinks. I keep tellin gmyself just another couple of hours and transition. Just need to relax and I can do it. 2 more intense contractions and I try to clear my bladder out one more time

11:45 I yell "i feel pushy" and the next thing I know they are telling me to get off the toilet and I'm surrounded by midwives. As I stand I feel the pressure and here Jon say "there's her head...there's one eye"

11:50 Kathryn Lynnlee is born and handed to me. She was born while i was standing up, covered in vernix and the tiniest little thing

12:20 Aaron wakes up and Jon goes gets him, but waits until the placenta is delivered to bring him out

12:30 Placenta is delivered

12:40 Aaron meets Kate and is not very impressed. I have a couple of tears that need repaired and Kate needs weighed and measured so Jon's mom comes and takes Aaron back downstairs to go back to sleep around 1:00

1:00 We hang around, get vitals try to nurse, get stiched up

3:00 Midwives leave and Nancy comes to meet Kate

4:00 Jon and I fall asleep

5:00 Christopher wakes up and climbs into bed. Kate wakes up so me being overly excited tells him Kate was born yesterday and in his sleepy state he said things like "oh...I don't know how Kate eats" and then he says 'what's that noise?" and I turn the light on. He gasped and in awe said "I don't know when she came". I come out to tell Jon that CJ was meeting and when we walked in, CJ was on his belly on his stomach gazing at Kate in her cosleeper and repeating to us "she's so cute" and "I don't know when she came"

5:20 We woke Grace up and brought her in to meet Kate

8:00 Aaron meets her and loves on her

Lynnlee are the two grandmas middle names

39 weeks 6 days

2010-10-23T11:07:00.002-05:00

The past week seems to have flown by. I still can't believe how rough this pregnancy has been. Baby is now on a nerve and when I stand, my legs fall asleep and then get super painful. Makes it really hard to enjoy the last few days/weeks with just our family of five. We did make it to the pumpkin patch yesterday, to replace the pumpkins that our neighborhood critter ate. It was miserable, but I'm glad we got it in.
Totally different this time around considering with Grace I worked up to the week before she was born and felt great and the only reason I took a week off was because my boss was nervous about me going into labor at work and having a homebirth...with CJ I played tennis and croquet around 38 weeks and was walking around the mall just days before he was born...with Aaron I was wearing CJ throughout pregnancy and busy running errands up until he ws born.

I was really hoping to great baby Kate before 40 weeks, but that doesn't seem like it'll happen now. I'm more emotionally okay with that now than I was a couple of days/weeks ago so that's okay.

I'm anxious to see how things go. We haven't really decided yet if the kids will be here or not for the birth...just playing it all by ear. My mom's schedule isn't as flexible this time around so not even sure if she'll be here to see baby girl after birth. Funny that I'm so okay with playing it by ear when rest of my life I really want scheduled and planned out--LOL.

In Illinois, my CNM can only attend my birth up to 42 weeks, so here's hoping baby girl is here in less than 2 weeks and 2 days :)

Prodromol Labor--You are not my friend

2010-10-20T07:00:00.002-05:00

I've always been somewhat amazed at how my body worked while in labor. I'd wake up on day with contractions, we'd call the necessary people, and less than 10 hours later baby would be in our arms.

So, I figured the same thing would happen this time.

Friday, I woke up at 4:00 with some achiness. Achiness that was timeable, but not what I would consider strong contractions. I kinda figured it was what I never felt while sleeping. They never got stronger or what my real contractions had felt like, but I really thought Friday we were having a baby. We worked on the to do list and soon I climbed in bed achy and frustrated that for 7+ hours my body was doing something whacky.

Last night, I woke up at 2:00 with the same achiness. Worked on laundry, cleaned the kitchen, check my e-mail and by 3:00 I knew it was nothing and by 4:00 I was back asleep on the couch.

I've always believed that prodromol labor is poor positioning of baby, but also believed that since I know my due date is accurate that I won't try anything to encourage my body to go into labor until 40 weeks, so not sure if I want to try to get baby into a more favorable position.

We have hopefully our last prenatal midwife appt today.
K

The Kiddos

2010-09-27T09:14:00.002-05:00

Aaron starts twice weekly therapy this week. I am excited and thankful that he is getting much needed service, but am sad that he has a struggle that he has to overcome. I think he's up to 15 or so words, but even without words he is great at communicating. He wants to be like everyone else. If he hears Christopher get a compliment on his shirt, Aaron quickly gets right next to you patting his shirt excitedly until he, too, gets a compliment on his shirt. He still gets super frustrated at times, so tantrums have been more regular. The lady who evaluated him last said until he starts talking it is hard to know if there is an underlying cause for his speech (meaning that he is unable to pronounce sounds correctly) or if he just doesn't care to talk yet and eventually he will. But, everyone agrees that with the family history of speech disorders...being proactive is the best approach.

Christopher (aka CJ, unless you ask him and then it's CJ Jon) has learned two important lessons. First, you can voice your thoughts and generally someone will listen, even if it doesn't make sense. Second, it's really fun to make Grace scream and he has a lot of tricks to help him accomplish that. But, he is by far, probably the easiest 3 year old ever. I jokingly say that if he was our only child, I would definately be writing parenting books on being the best parent ever. Even his worst days are pretty easy and very rare. He has formed best friends and loves things. It's not uncommon to go garage saling or to the store and hear his list of things "he wants because (insert name) has it."

Grace is in the third grade and thriving! She still has her days where emotionally she is not sure how to cope or handle the disappointments, but we have had so many great days and I truly believe it's because she is being challenged. One or two days a week, the exhaustion will take over and we'll have a rough day, but it's so great being able to really enjoy her without having meltdowns. She is having some personal issues and letting her anxiety win, but it has been interesting seeing how she tries to overcome that. I know she is really trying hard to find her place in the family and really struggling with being the oldest in our family and social circle. She so much wants to sit down and have intellectual conversation with the adults, but also wants to play with the younger kids, but I think sometimes feels like she's too old to play. She is getting so much better at communicating her thoughts and feelings. We've had discussions with her lately that remind me that she's no longer a little girl, just interested in the latest webkinz or the latest book, but becoming a young lady who wants to know about life and how the world really works.

In (hopefully) less than 6 weeks, our lives will begin another chapter as we had another little one to the family. It'll be fun, exciting, and sometimes hard as we adapt to another personality and as Jon and I discover the best way to parent Kate and the best way to continue to parent each child as they grow and learn.

We made it...36 weeks pregnant

2010-09-27T08:58:00.003-05:00

Jon arrived home Friday night from his second four day trip. The house was clean, the boys and I were asleep, and Grace was awake in her room, probably pacing waiting for the front door to open.

The first four day trip the kids and I did awesome! Tuesday was a rough morning with Aaron biting a little boy, Grace's school calling to say she was in tears, and me knowing we still had four days to get through. Wednesday was a good day. Thursday was a somewhat rough day and the night was horrible with two kids up from 3:30 on. Friday was rough with an exhuasted mommy, but we woke up Saturday to Jon being home.

Unfortunately, Saturday, Kate moved and settled on a nerve, making it near impossible for me to walk and if I did walk, I was close to tears. Sunday she was a little better, but I was super overwhelmed with all the things that needed to be done around the house and scared how I would handle those things, 3 kids, and Kate still on my nerves...so Jon stayed home from bible study and did a lot of chores. Monday, I called him at work in tears begging him to come home early because it was still so painful to walk and nothing I tried could get Kate to move. We decided that we would send the boys to my mom's, so then I cried about sending my boys away for 4 days. My mom however was able to come to our house instead and it was so great to have help and company.

4 days of not having to lift Aaron in and out of his carseat helped a lot and by the time Jon got home, I was just in a little bit of pain. Saturday morning we tried to hit some yard sales, but walking caused Kate to scoot back so Saturday afternoon, Jon took the kids to a local festival and I just laid on the couch for 3 hours. By Saturday night, Kate was back in a good position and MIL took the boys and Jon, Grace and I went out on a date.

Unfortunately, Sunday's are bad days. I am consistently torn between going to sunday school and church, which includes having back spasms for 2.5 hours (the only place, I have consistently had them this pregnancy and aaron's pregnancy) or staying home and being a bum. Usually being a bum wins. Yesterday that was a good choice since around 9:30, I started having contractions and after 8 or 9 of them, I finally e-mailed Jon to give him a heads up and that was the end of them. I jokingly told Jon, that Kate just needed to be told on to behave :)

I'm now 36 weeks. This has been by far the roughest pregnancy I've had, yet I know that compared to some women this is a breeze. I was so spoiled with the other kids pregnancies. Even the 30+ weeks of morning sickness with Christopher was easy compared to the physical aches and pains of this pregnancy.

We are all eager (well maybe except for Aaron) to meet Kate. Jon and I both feel that she will complete our family and with God's blessing this stage of our life will be over. I never thought I'd get to this point and I know that after Kate we still may change our mind...but I'm trying to remember that God Willing, this is the last time I'll feel a baby kick and I'll have life growing in me.

On our own

2010-09-12T10:34:00.002-05:00

Jon leaves Tuesday for the first of his four day trips. We made it through his two, two day trips without any problems, so I know we will make it through these next two trips just fine, but it still stresses me out.
--Grace has been having anxiety about school. It is getting better, but I'm worried without daddy home it might get worse. She is super nervous about riding the bus from her school to MIL's school on some days and that is hard for me to handle.
--Christopher has given up naps. I love that this has given us time to hang out while Aaron is sleeping, but it makes for some very long days.
--Aaron did not sleep well the two nights Jon was gone and therefore I didn't sleep well.
--The back spasms are now regular. Every part of me aches and the heartburn is horrible (does this possibly mean that I'll have a child with a head full of hair--LOL). Much harder to sit down and rest when Jon isn't around.
--I'm horrible at asking for help, unless it's Jon.
--Because of the way it worked out, what we hoped was a huge bonus is now mostly Jon's paycheck for September. Just kinda frustrating since I was kinda hoping the rough days could include some retail therapy :)

I know we'll make it through. I have some projects to do to help with the longer days---making Grace's Halloween costume, organize Kate's stuff, update the kids baby books.

I wish I could say that I would miss Jon's companionship more than his help, but most of the time we are tag teaming the kids and our time is very limited. Ready for Kate to be here so that my energy returns, my body stops aching, and I'm not climbing into bed at 8pm and can spend time with Jon after all the kids go to bed. But, for now just praying that Grace has a great 8 days while Jon is gone The boys will be fine, Grace will struggle so she's who I'm most worried about.

Adventures!

2010-08-21T20:28:00.002-05:00

I love adventures. Which is pretty ironic considering I really dislike any chaos and usually adventures mean that you have no control what happens or when it happens.

Today we went on our last family pre-3rd grade/Jon leaving for a couple of weeks/Kate coming adventure. It was a lot of fun

I had originaly planned a trip to the zoo, but last night asked Grace if she'd prefer the zoo or someplace different. She chose someplace different.

The day started with Grace and I going yard saling together. Generally yard saling is me time and early mornings are Grace's sleeping time, but last night she asked me to wake her up to go with. We left this morning with two little boys upset that they couldn't come. We didn't find any great deals--we were both excited to find a spiderman costume for Christopher, decided we couldn't pass up the singing Wags the Dog (from the Wiggles) and loved listening to a guy explain to us his coin collection. We had great conversations, a lot of laughing, and just a good time over all.

We got home and since I told Christopher, I would take him to a yard sale, Jon and Aaron decide to come with so Jon and I could finalize our days plans. We went to two more yard sales, decided we would skip the hotel this time and just do a day event. So back home, packed a lunch and headed off to Freeport to hang at Krape Park.

We arrived in Freeport and Jon stopped by the Stephenson Railroad to see if they were open. It just happened that technically they were closed to the public, but were training some new conductors and said we could ride along if we came back in less than hour. So we went and found a close park to eat our lunch and then headed back to the railroad. Jon and the older kids road the engine into the shed, while Aaron and I watched. Then it was time for us all to ride. We got to ride in the caboose. The boys and I sitting in the bench seat, Grace riding on a higher seat and Jon talking to one of the conductors. The mosquitos were horrible, despite the bug spray they gave us, and one trip to the rained out bridge and back was enough for me. The trip ended with Jon and Grace blowing the steam engines horn.

From there, we ran to Wal-Mart to get Grace shorts and t-shirt. She had dressed in jeans and a short sleeve sweater and it was much warmer than we thought. I discovered freeports Wal-Mart sells our newest obsesssion, Squinkies, so I picked up a storage box for them. Stopped by a yard sale and got some more Superman costumes (3 in one day--LOL, all 3 for $3--not bad) acouple of magazines for me to read and then on to Krape Park.

The kids were so excited to ride the carasoul, but we first made a detour to a climbing rock wall. While there we heard the announcement for a tractor pull so we went over to check it out. Signed the kids up, explained to Grace that the chances of her winning were very slim (she doesn't handle disappointment well and since it has already been a long day, I wanted to prepare her before hand). C was in the first group and move the weight about 4 feet. Grace was in the second group and to our surprise (and hers) she had a full pull and won first place (out of three other kids). A ride on the carasoul and playing on the playground completed our trip to Krape Park.

We rarely eat at restaurants. It just seems easier to go through and eat in the car or at home, but today was special so we headed to Happy Joes, a pizza joint with a small arcade. We had fun making the train go around the rail and won two small drinks, played arcade for tickets and enjoyed our meal. We enjoyed another rare treat--dessert. Grace had played the train again and won a sundae so each kid had a clown sundae. By this time, Grace was exhausted, didn't eat her sundae (that she had been asking for all meal long) and we called it a day. Before we left the waitress (who was probably one of the best waitresses we have ever had) told me that our family was one of the best family's she had ever waited on and she appreciated how polite the kids were. She said the little boy who told her thank you without us prompting him was the cutest thing ever. I laughed and told her I was glad we were fun to take care of and the kids made her job easier and assured her that doesn't always happen--LOL. it really made the day complete.

Home again, kids dressed up in their spider man costumes, Jon and I sorted the yard sale finds and misc bags of stuff from the day and now the kids are all sleeping (in their own beds) and Jon and I are having down time.

It was a good last big adventure of a family of five! We still have another 9+ weeks before baby Kate arrives and I know more small adventures await us before her arrival, but it's great knowing that our last big adventure was a HUGE SUCCESS! Makes me actually think maybe we can handle 4 kids--LOL

2 years

2010-08-17T14:49:00.004-05:00

Yesterday marked 2 years that we've lived in Dixon. I've learned quite a few things
--The cabin will always be one of my favorite places in the world. Someday, Jon and I are going to have a cabin where we live full-time, complete with a golfcart and acres of wood to explore
--I don't like living where everyone knows your name. Yes, there are perks, but it will always bug me. Granted, I've realized that it's a pretty small world and it doesn't really matter where you are, chances are good that somehow you'll meet someone who knows someone you know.
--I'm a gypsy homebody. In other words, I'm very contradictory :) I don't want to settle anywhere, but am most content just hanging low and staying home. But, I want to go on adventures and find new cool places to go, awesome books to read that aren't super popular, and just explore what is around me
--I don't quite fit in anywhere. I don't understand how other people think, I'm content just being by myself, but I strive to be different.
--I'm a huge introvert, who has no secrets.
--I'm too honest
--I love my husband and kids to pieces
--I can never get enough kisses and hugs from the kids, but would prefer that anyone over the age of 9 never touch me. I hate hugs from adults, could do without kisses, and holding hands just irks me. Sorry honey :)
--The older I get the less I want to hang out with people who aren't honest, sincere, and nonjudgemental.
--I'm probably one of the most judgemental people in the world. I have a very hard time understanding people different than me--which is almost everyone--LOL
--I have a horrible time accepting help from anyone, not named Jon.
--I'm horribly dependent on Jon and it really needs to end, soon after kate is born
--I will probably always struggle with depression and anxiety
--I really don't like Dixon, but I'm not sure if there would ever be a place I was totally content in
--I don't like church and don't understand the reason for going. But, it breaks my heart when the kids don't want to go
--I spend most of the day on the computer while the kids entertain themselves. The days the depression and anxiety is good, I work on this horrible habit...but the days it's not so good, I retreat to the computer.
--The days the depression and anxiety is good, I run out of things to do by Wednesday. The house is clean, the laundry is caught up, the kids and I have done everything and then some thing, and I get bored and the depression and anxiety increases
--I need to end this blog because Christopher has given up naps and it makes for very aggresive Christopher.

Yard Sales

2010-08-14T15:52:00.002-05:00

I've been finding it more difficult to find "me time." I get plenty of time on the computer or watching tv, but still most of that seems to be shared with a kid or two. So, now that yard sale season is here, Friday and Saturday mornings are "me time."

Last year, I yard saled more out of necessity. Had to find the cheapest clothes for the kinds, bought most of their Christmas presents and Aaron's birthday presents from yard sales, and just really looked for something cheap, yet something the kids would love. It was sometimes more of a struggle than fun, but after Christmas presents were opened, after clothes were gone through and worn, I realized that it really made more sense.

So this year, I yard sale more out of needing time away, retail therapy, and just to find what is out there. I think Jon kinda rolls his eyes when he sees how much I spend some weekends. Other times I think he realizes that it's helpful all around.

My favorite part used to be finding the deals, especially when I find something that I've been planning on buying at an actual store. I've found more than one toy on that I've put on the "to buy wish list" at a yard sale. I was all set to go buy fabric and tulle for projects and found some of what i needed at yard sales. But, lately, my favorite part is being greeted by the kids to see what I bought. They know now that at the end of going through the bags, most of the toys and books will be put away in the gift bin, but they still greet me at the door eager to see what I bought.

Lately I've been feeling bad for going garage saling. Most days I feel so horrible that the basic chore zaps me of all my energy, but every weekend I find the motivation to spend 2-4 hours driving around town looking for deals. Then I come home, exhausted and pretty useless rest of the day.

But, those 2-4 hours are something I've realized I need and beeing greeted by 3 little voices asking "what did you get" is a huge plus.

Sick of feeling sick and Lowering Expectations

2010-08-05T15:08:00.003-05:00

I am constantly reminding myself how lucky I was to have 3 fairly easy pregnancies. Even with Christopher's pregnancy, where I had morning sickness throughout the pregnancy, I didn't feel constantly sick. This pregnancy, very easy compared to other people's pregnancies, is kicking my butt. There hasn't been a day where I feel good.
It's really getting me down. I hate having to pick and choose what activities I do based on Jon's work schedule or rating activites based on priority and figuring out which ones are most important.
I miss that if we lived in Watseka, I could go to my moms, lay on their couch and have help with the kids. Here it seems that I either struggle to watch them, Jon rearranges his schedule to watch them, or we send them to grandmas. There's not a good answer.
I try hard not to complain and generally just tough it out. Then crash.
I'm pretty down. Jon can't work full-time, take care of the kiddos, keep the house clean, and still have Jon time. So more often than not the house and everday chores get shoved aside. Which means that those days that I do have some kind of energy are spent cleaning, catching up on laundry, doing the icky house hold chores...which zaps me of all energy and we're back to me not having energy to do anything.
I have found myself making up for not feeling good by shopping. I've always been a retail therapy shopper and I've always been really good to sticking to a budget and not spending more than we have. Unfortunatey, Jon has been making more money and I've been spending more money. Part is that, I'm really unhappy in Dixon, but know that we are here for good, so I've decided if I'm here, I want a house that I love. that means for the first time in our married life, I'm ready and eager to get rid of all the hand me down stuff--which was pretty much everything. 6 months ago Grace's room was the one room with new furniture...now the dining room is the only main room without new furniture. It's nice to walk into a room and know it's ours because I loved it and not becuase someone was tired of it--LOL
I found the most awesome dining room table and hutch on craigslist. Not what I had been looking for, but that's because I didn't know it existed and it was way cheaper than buying new. But, convincing Jon that the dining room needed a makeover took too long and we lost out on the awesome table and hutch and now I have to be content knowing that it's going to have to wait until the new year.
But, as I sit here, nauseous, exhausted, fighting a headache, achy, and just blah...I'm fighting the desire to shop, shop, shop.
I just know that I'm sick of being sick and ready to feel normal again, even if the normal does include the occassional headache and backache.

----

Val commented on a post that maybe Grace's fighting with me about cleaning her room was her trying to gain some control of her surrounding. One thing I've noticed about me is that usually when I need a wake up call, it's immediate. I just hear or read something and it makes total sense and I know it's the right answer. occassionally this means making a 180 degree change.

Val's comment was one of those. It was like the answer to the question "Why is Grace fighting me non-stop." Because we are fighting for control.

So I've lowered my expectations and have given her more control
--Her room just needs to have a walk-way through it
--She can watch tv when she wants without limit (she has never been a huge tv watcher and with school starting in a month, I kinda hope the stage will pass, but we'll reevaluate when school starts and see)
--During the summer she can stay up later. (it tends to depend on if daddy or mommy is up what time she goes to bed--LOL)

She still has to help keep the main areas clean and clean the playroom, but so far we are making little steps.

Everything has its place

2010-08-02T10:58:00.002-05:00

my mind is filled with random thoughts....so onto the blog they go :)

Those who knew me as a kid, are often amazed at my semi-OCD that everything needs to be in it's place. Those who know me now, aren't as amazed...probably more annoyed.

I'm sure if it wasn't as extreme as it is, it wouldn't be as annoying.
--The fridge shelves are designated for certain things. Bread and butter on one shelf, leftovers on another, etc...
--The ugly stepstools get hidden in the corner of the living room
--Books are arranged by author or subject
--diapers arranged by type
etc...

I know my need for organization and order is because it's the one thing in life I can control. I can't control what comes out of my kids mouths or what their next action will be, I can't control how many gifts Jon gets me to fill up my love tank, I can't control who gets sick, when the next catastrophe will happen...but I can control what my house looks like.

I also wholeheartedly believe it makes life easier. Impromptu trips are easier to take if I know exactly where everything I need is. Meals can be fixed quicker if I can just open the fridge or pantry and grab what I need. The kids can play with their favorite toy (without missing parts) or read their favorite book or wear their favorite outfit without tears or long hunts, if they are put back in the same spot each and every time.

But, even though it makes sense to me, rest of the family doesn't quite seem to agree. Grace's arguement is "it's my stuff, I get to decide where it goes" or "it's my room, I get to decide if it's clean" and Jon's arguement is usually he didn't have time or he didn't know where it went. I'm trying to be more understanding and accepting of the fact that "everything has its place" is my obsession, my desire, my need..but so so far it hasn't stopped my blood pressure from rising when I go into Grace's room and see the pile of books in five different place, the shoes tossed on her closet floor, the toys under the bed.

When I'm in the good mood that those small things don't bother me, I tell myself that they do it because they know that the best way for mommy to relax (outside of finding great deals at yard sales and stores) is to organize. Unfortunately, those good days I don't mind it....just need to work on changing the attitude for the bad days...because I'm beginning to realize that even though it does seem to me that life runs smoother when everything is in it's place, everything usually ends up okay even when everything isn't in it's place.

Spanking is biblical...or is it???

2010-08-02T10:35:00.003-05:00

I'm not sure if it's because we are hitting a new stage of parenting, I'm realizing that each of my children respond to discipline differently, or that I'm trying to figure out what I really believe before #4 arrives, but whatever the reason I've been thinking a lot about parenting.

One of my struggles is understanding the Christian belief that spanking is okay. I can quote the biblical passages as well as the next person, but does that make it biblical? Just off the top of my head, I can quickly point out 10 other things that in 2010 we no longer do, even though they are found in the bible.

So I struggle...

--If it's biblical, I should be doing it, right? But, God has told me NO! So, why would God tell me no to something that he says to do in the Bible? Am I misunderstanding God?
I tend to think no. I think that even though there are many verses in the Bible that discuss using the rod that some of them are taken out of context and rest of them no long pertain to today.
It probably brings me back to my feelings of being spanked. It didn't make me feel loved, it didn't make me understand what I did wrong, it didn't help me learn from my mistakes, and it didn't make me a better person. The times I have spanked Christopher and Grace, it didn't bring me closer to God, it didn't bring them closer to God, it didn't bring us closer to each other, and it didn't solve the problem.

--If it is suppose to be done because it's in the Bible, then shouldn't everything that it's in the Bible also be done? How do we know which things in the bible are okay to be not followed and which things are to be followed? I'm okay with women pastors and teachers, I'm okay with women not covering their heads, I'm kinda okay with having church on Sunday, I'm okay with the modern day church. But, just because I'm okay with it, doesn't make it okay. So how can we know what no longer pertains today, even though it's in the Bible. And if there are things that no longer pertain today, even though it's in the Bible, why is the common arguement for Spanking being the correct way to disclipine because it's in the Bible.

--If it's biblical, nothing in the Bible is to be ignored, then that means I am suppose to be spanking my children. That is hard for me to grasp. It would be easier for me to find a church that meets on Saturday, that only has men pastors and men teachers, that is closer to the Biblical foundation of church, can find head coverings for Grace and I to wear, make Saturday a day of rest and holiness...than it would be for me to spank my kids and feel okay about it.

The sad thing is that I can easily find books that will explain to me why it is biblical and why I should do it and I can easily find books that will explain to me why it is not biblical and why I shouldn't do it....but I don't know if I will ever know the right answer.

Good Parenting=Good Kids?

2010-07-26T10:11:00.004-05:00

Does good parenting always equal good kids....and if it does, does the opposite also hold true; bad kids have bad parents?

One of the first things that comes to mind is the bible verse about training up a child and they will not stray from it (or something along those lines). A good friend recently said something along the lines of "but it was never clarified if that mean at the age of 18 or the age of 81."

I tend to think that personality of the child/person plays more into how a child turns out, than parenting does. David Pelzar is an author of at least four books, four very graphic, horror filled books of his abusive childhood. I don't know David Pelzar personally, but from his books one can tell that he turned out to be an okay adult, despite the years of abuse he went through. There is no denying that his mom was a bad parent. I tend to think my parents were good parents, not perfect by any means, but they were good parents and tried their best, yet looking at their kids as adults, some could easily be labeled as bad kids. So, like most things in life, I don't think good/bad parent = good/bad kid is as black and white as society makes it to be.

I find great comfort in the fact that I can screw up as a parent and my kids still have a chance to turn out okay. Especially during this pregnancy, where it takes all of my energy and pain tolerance to chance a dirty diaper or feed them a meal. Most days are spent in the chair, surfing the internet, cuddling with a kid or two or three, and not interacting with them like I would like. Dinners aren't ate as a family at the dining room table, meals aren't prepared from scratch, I yell more than once a day, my kids fend for themselves, and I save all of my energy for a day that Jon is home and can help with the kids and us do a small fun activity.

But, on the other hand, I wonder as Grace and I butt heads for the fourth time in twenty minutes, if my parenting decisions have already made an impact and I am a horrible parent. I'm not proud of the way I parented Grace when she was a baby/toddler/preschooler and made some very poor parenting choices that make sitting in a chair letting the kids fend for themselves, seem pretty mild. I feel like instead of just moving forward in parenting her, I have to undo a lot of things that my decisions have made.

But, then I don't know if that's true. I've apologized for the decisions to her and have told her numerous times that I'm learning to parent her correctly and fail horribly and really I think that's all I can do. I can only parent the best way I know how and since my kids are always changing, I have to remember to always change my parenting style. What works for Grace, won't work for Christopher and chances are good that what worked for Grace or Christopher, won't work for Aaron.

I'm glad I realized when the kids are young that parenting isn't black and white. One parenting decision doesn't make me a bad parent, but one parenting decision doesn't make me a good parent...there is a whole lot of inbetween and I just need to be constantly listening to God, Jon, family, friends, and the kids to know which parenting deicisons are good for us and when it's time to change how we parent.

"I like the way I am"

2010-07-10T13:49:00.002-05:00

If you've spent any quality time with our family you've probably noticed that
--Jon is very easy going and the life of the family. Very little bothers him, he has a wonderful gift of putting people at ease and making people laugh, and he's always willing to help others
--Christopher is a ham and a charmer and i don't think either is intentional. It's just who he is. We rarely go anywhere nowadays without someone commenting on how funny he is and how fun he is to be around.
--Aaron is the laid back one. If he's comfortable he's in the center of the activity, but if he's not comfortable with his surroundings he'll cling to one of us and just observe. His observation mood can happen at anytime anywhere and he then will sit there with a frown on his face, taking everything in
--I'm the introvert of the family. I have not mastered the power of small talk, I am much more of an observer, and am most content outside the large group and not being active, occassionally giving my input if I think the conversation is important
--Grace is the stubborn, emotional, sensitive, empathatic, honest one of the family. She really has the best and worst personality qualities of Jon and I. You either connect with her and are her biggest fan or you don't. There is no guessing with Grace, you get what you get. She's 110% honest

When Jon and I first started having kids, my goal was to have my kids be real. I didn't want mini-mes or mini-Jon's, I wanted my kids to be individuals. I didn't want anyone to ever wonder what they thought, what they liked, what they felt...

I can say that I think we accomplished that and now I'm wondering how great of an idea it really was--LOL. Which leads me to the true point of this blog

"I like the way I am"

That's Grace's new saying. She's really old enough now that most of our conversations are about why we think her behavior may not be the greatest or why her reaction may not be the most glorifying. We can use bible stories, use how God works in our life, and her empathaticness to discuss what is going on.

But, we still struggle. She likes the way she is and she doesn't want to change. She'll ask me "but don't you want to know my real feelings" and I try to explain that it's not her feelings I have a problem with, but her reaction to those feelings.

I'm torn

--Do I continue to correct her, the way I feel is best for her, knowing that it's going to cause us to butt heads, upset her, and she's going to fight it.

or

--Do I let her learn the hard way that her behavior may not get the results she wants. Will she learn from that? If she doesn't have I failed as a mother or will in 10 years it not matter?

But, it's another one of those things I'm guilty of doing. I know that I have some great personality flaws
* I hate driving and avoid it at all costs
* I hate talking on the phone and avoid it at all costs
* I hate dealing with strangers or usually the public in general and avoid it at all costs
* I hate eating at the dining room table and avoid it at all costs

All are personality traits that are flaws. They don't benefit anyone, they don't bring glory to God, they don't glorify anyone, and they don't bring harmony to my family.

But, I like the way I am. Yeah, I see that's its not the greatest, but I like not driving, not talking on the phone, not dealing with the public, not eating at the table....so why change it

So...here I am again...wondering "Should I expect Grace to correct what I see as persoonality flaws, when I'm not willing to work on my own"

Maybe, I'll make her a deal....and together we'll work on our flaws and we are only allowed to encourage each other, not yell or criticize

What I need to work on

2010-07-07T09:00:00.005-05:00

--Being Content
I'm really not liking Dixon. When I'm in the "I don't like Dixon" mood, my general mood is a lot worse, I'm more bitter, and just frustrated with everything. I don't like the not feeling connected to something and feeling like the outsider (which is odd since I generally pride myself on being the outsider).

Still feeling drained about being a SAHM. Wanting to find myself amongst the SAHM. Yesterday someone was introducing the family and it was "this is Jon, his oldest Grace, his oldest son Christopher, his baby Aaron, and baby due in October." It wasn't until Jon said "and Kendra" that I even realized I wasn't introduced. I laughingly said "i'm just the baby holder" and sometimes it seems that way..I'm the baby holder, the one who cleans, the one who does the laundry, the one who is never feeling good, the one who nags everyone else to help clean, the one who does the same thing day after day after day. My outlet is the internet and a bunch of strangers--very sad and depressing thought

--Work on my attitude
This pregnancy has been rougher than the other 4 combined. The aches are constant, the braxton hicks are consistent, the back aches have arrived, the nausea comes and goes. Just 100% drained 100% of the time and it makes me so grumpy, which just accelerates over little things

--Parenting
I've known since Grace was born how I didn't want to parent, yet that's how I find myself parenting. I don't want to spank, I don't want to yell, I don't want to be an observer, I don't want to nag, I don't want to raise my voice...yet I do..again, again, and again.

I need to be more independent. I know the 3 kids and I are capable of having a great time with just the them and me and we did before I got pregnant, so I need to find the motivation and energy to do that again

--Outlet
I need to find an outlet. I need to find Kendra. Something that is not playing on the internet or watching tv, something that lets me accomplish something

--God
Need to spend time with God. I don't like just sitting and reading the bible or just sitting and praying because my mind wanders, so really need to find something and somehow I can connect with him

So that's a start

Green Lake and other thoughts

2010-07-07T09:00:00.002-05:00

We returned from our annual trip to Green Lake Conference Center in Green Lake, Wisconsin, yesterday. Each year it's different, but so enjoyable and refreshing. The first year, twelve years ago, Jon and I were able to roam the grounds at will, eat when we wanted, stay up late talking, sleep in until our body awoke refreshed...that doesn't happen with 3 kids, but the memories made are so much greater and more enjoyable.

Two huge things happened this year.

First, I was more aware of how mature Grace is really becoming. We still butt heads, she still has many meltdowns, and her emotions are still very strong and right at the surface, but, she has tackled so many fears since June--definately the biggest huge growth since Christopher was born. She rode her bike (still with training wheels, but we're getting there), swam in the lake (even going under water and swimming some), took showers with the bugs (without even having to be asked), wanted to watch the fireworks (from a distance and not within hearing distance), and was asking to roam without a parent (which we let her as long as she was within seeing distance). She is still by far my most difficult child, but also the child that I can definately look at and be in awe how far she has came. She went from being what we were almost certain was selective mute (not talking in public settings) and having anxieties about almost everything to being super outgoing and knocking her list of fears out one by one.

Second, I went to church. The second time since I became pregnant because throughout the pregnancy one thing or another came up (aka myself or a kid was sick on Sunday or my body decided to not cooperate that day). So, we gathered in a large room with complete strangers, our kids sitting next to us, and worshiped God. It was wonderful. The kids didn't cooperate, I don't remember much of what the sermon was about, but I felt connected to God and felt refreshed. We sang songs nobody knew except the worship team, but I sang them with my kids by my side, leaning against me. Even when I had to take Aaron out because he was being loud, I was able to stand and hear what was going on and enjoy it. I wasn't stressed, didn't feel like going to church was the silliest thing ever, didn't feel like it made more sense to be somewhere else, it just felt right. I wish I could pinpoint that reason and duplicate it every Sunday.

Tonight Grace heads to Rock River Bible Camp. I loved church camp as a child/teen, but looking back it was my first real encounters with the Christians like those from my previous post, but at that point I was too young to realize that. It wasn't until my first two encounters at Rock River Bible Camp and years at Olivet that I remember meeting with those kinds of Christians, so it was difficult for me to allow Grace to attend last year. She had a great time, so it's a little easier this year, but as the time approaches, I get nervous about her being there.

Jon talked about Rock River Bible Camp so fondly and took me twice to visit. I was completly ignored by everyone except two people who were super extroverts(including Jon who was put in charge of activities). It was really two of the most miserable weekends of my life so I tend to stay away from the camp and really struggle while Grace is there. I just keep telling myself that most of the people I love the most love Rock River Bible Camp and I trust them wholeheartedly so it's gotta be good. So I guess when Grace is older, I'll tell her I only gave in because Val loves Rock River Bible Camp so much--LOL.

I did realize my last post was pretty ironic since I did the same thing I vented about. I'm really beginning to realize that I have to work on my life. Even as I discipline my children and correct them, I see more and more that what I'm correcting them for, I am so guilty of doing. I get onto grace for her tone of voice or the words that come out of mouth, when I talked like that earlier in the day. I get onto Christopher for not being gentle with his hands and in the midst of frustration I'll grab him. I get frustrated with Aaron because he can't use words to tell us what he needs, but so often I forget to use words for my needs. I get frustrated with Christians for not being more focused on what they need to change, but instead of posting what I'm doing wrong, I post about that frustration.

Green Lake is over for another year, but I hope that I don't forget that I can duplicate the experiences of worship and fun time during rest of the year.

My frustration with Christianity

2010-06-16T08:36:00.002-05:00

JOn brought up the age old question the other day about what do I think happens to the man in Africa who was never told about God. I got somewhat angry at him, not because he asked the question, but because I was frustrated that it mattered. Why as Christians do we not trust that God has that taken care of and knows what He is doing?

I found myself than going on a huge rant about Christians. It inclued, but probably was not limited to
--Lately it seems when I'm in a large group of Christians, we focus more on what others are doing wrong, versus what we are doing wrong. It seems that it's we think we learn to be better Christians, by pointing out what not to do.

--There is a whole mission field that seems to be getting the wrong message about Christianity and instead of working on getting them the right message, we are worried about someone in Africa, that God hasn't told us to talk to. I belong to online message boards and occassionally there is a Christian bashing thread and never fails that Christians are judgemental and if you don't follow the set of "rules" they have declared "right" than they think you are evil. What kind of message is that?

--As Christians we can't hangout with "sinners" unless we are witnessing to them in a safe and sinless environment. This is my biggest frustration. My kids can't hang out with kids if their parents drink, smoke, cuss, aren't married, etc.... I think it's important for my kids to be surrounded by good influences, but if I cut my kids off from every child who had a parent who sinned, not only would they be sinless, but they'd also need to be homeless since their own parents sin every day

--We rate sins. It seems we have a list that we've made and there are some "greater" sins than others. To me, my yelling at my kids in frustration and anger is just as big of a sin as someone abusing alchohol. Maybe a bigger one since God has told me that I'm not suppose to do that anymore and I continue.

--It's our way or no way. I'm 100% quilty of this. I struggle understanding how others can o something, that I see totally unbiblical, but think it's totally biblical. Or how they can believe something that I see as unbiblical, but they back it up with scripture.

I'm just really struggling. There is little that brings me more joy than to snuggle on the chair reading the Bible with the kids, singing songs worshiping God, bowing our head and talking to our Father. When we say "lets pray" and Aaron bows his head or Christopher mumbles "dear god, jesus, mom, dad, amen" or Grace quietly bows her head and five minutes later looks up grinning from ear to ear.

I want to find that at church. I want the church to open their arms, like Jesus did and say "let the children come." I want to worship in a place where the kids are singing next to me, they are chattering about what they are thinking as the pastor is chattering, they are talking to God as the congregation talks to God. I want to attend a Sunday School that consists of the words "I need to work on this, this is what I'm doing wrong, I'm struggling, pray for me. This is what God has taught me."

I am blessed to be surrounded by a good group of friends for Bible Study. We're far from perfect, but we are real and honest. There are times of vents, frustrations, church/christian bashing, but more often than not it seems there's the "I'm struggling and I don't know what to do."

10 years

2010-06-10T16:29:00.003-05:00

Today Jon and I celebrated our 10 year anniversary! We did the same we do everyday, took care of kids, ran errands, changed diapers, he worked, I vegged, and maybe tonight we'll get a movie and order in.

The past 10 years have been rough. Possibly because we've gone through a lot of changes, more probable because he's a very easy going, opinionated, fly by the seat kinda of person...and except for the opinionated part, I'm not easy going or fly by the seat (I know HUGE SHOCKER). Funny that most of our fights are when I care, care, care and he just kinda cares, but he cares enough not to cave--maybe I should say all of our fights--LOL. That pretty much sums up or relationship. He's also a doer and I'm a receiver, I'm a giver, we're both takers, he's a gifts are silly, I'm a gifts mean you love me, he's an extrover and I'm an introvert. (yeah making it 10 years is pretty impressive).

In 10 years, we've gotten 9 nieces and nephews, plus one on the way, (plus 3 or 6 that one of my brothers who we don't have a relationship with has/had/--who really knows and 1 baby my SIL miscarried), we've lived in 8 different houses, 7 different cities (if you count the middle of nowhere when we lived in the cabin), 6 different jobs (if you don't count Jon being self-employed and me babysitting), 5 pregnancies, 4 parents who have been there for us, 3 wonderful kiddos with one on the way. We started off as 2 crazy college students who were pretty adament we were nothing more than friends and with God in the middle (although many times he got shoved to the side) we have made it through.

Last year at this time, I was pretty certain we wouldn't see our 10th anniversary, but here we are and I'm confidant knowing that we will make it to 50+ years (although I did already warn him that between 2 weeks and 9 months post-partum, I will probably once again have post partum depression).

UGH

2010-06-08T16:05:00.002-05:00

What a couple of days. The kids have been out of control and with pregnancy aches and pains, I've not been in the mood to deal with it. It usually means--I yell, Grace cries, Christopher hits whoever is closest to him, and we repeat the cycle over and over and over again.

I've threatened to put their toys in time out, which is kinda funny since they don't even get put in time out usually (Christopher has been sent to his room to play by himself many times in the past 2 days). Aaron has taken to mimicing whatever we do, and usually it seems it's Christopher he mimics the most--so that means he's also hitting or headbutting and then laughing.

I'm at my wits end. With three different personalities, three different parenting needs and a very worn out mommy, I just want to crawl in bed until this baby is born and the boys are done hitting and Grace is done crying.

I have been making sure to spend time with each other them by themselves. It is so much fun, but somedays (like today) it's hard to get the other 2 busy enough to let me have that one on one time. Yesterday grace and I talked about the Vietnam War and immigration, today we discussed our ancestors and worked on the beginning of our family scrapbook by coming up with questions to mail out to family. Christopher and I have made collages of letter pictures that we cut out and it's so much fun looking at books with him and him pointing out letters, colors and pictures that begin with certain sounds (even though he's not always right). Aaron and I build tower after tower after tower of blocks and pretend that everything and anything is a hat!

Every morning we sing a song that the speech therapist taught us. It's kinda silly to see/hear all of us singing and signing a song. Then the older kids each pick out a picture of a relative and pray for them. Christopher's prayers consistently go "Dear God, family member's name, words we can't understand, Amen." Grace's are a little more indepth but just as sweet. Aaron bows his head goes "uh" and then looks back up. It's so neat to see. We end our morning time with a bible story and talking about what the kids are learning.

Evenings we read a short story each kid picks out, a bible story, and end in prayer. Hugs and Kisses to each kid and the kids give a hug and kiss to the baby and then the oldest cry as they climb into their bed and Aaron snuggles down into the new chair with Jon or I. By the time Aaron is asleep, Christopher has also fallen asleep. Grace has been fighting sleep since school has been out. When my energy level and motivation cooperates, Grace and I do her bible study. Jon usually heads down to work and I head to sleep.

Grace and I do so much better with routine. I think for me, it's because when Grace was little it was what she needed. If we strayed from our routine, the day was horrible.

That's not really the case these past couple of days. We aren't following our schedule minute to minute until next week when summer reading, swim lessons, and book club starts, but are still following the loose schedule. But, still the kids are crazy, I'm achy, and the day usually begins on a good note and ends on a sour note.

I'm looking forward to Jon's 3 day working at home, but am not looking forward to his huge job he just got. A trip to California (possible with me and without kids if we can work it out) and a trip to Canada will be happening and I'm sure long days/nights in Chicago are also included. Will makes me hope we all snap out of our bad moods and learn how to communicate our needs/wants/desires better so there are less tears and more laughter.

Baby Girl Wadsworth

2010-06-03T08:04:00.002-05:00

Baby Wadsworth is a girl! Everyone's reaction seems to be "I bet Grace is excited." and they all win the bet!!!

I freaked out a little bit this morning during Grace's first breakdown of the morning, will I be able to handle another girl? I'm just going to keep telling myself that God wouldn't give me children that I wasn't meant to parent :)

Why do we hide it?

2010-06-01T18:04:00.002-05:00

It's another one of those, everywhere I look there is a blog or discussion or book or thread about the same exact topic.

This time it's struggles with parenting.

Why do we hide the struggles?

I kinda think for so long it's been one of those "hush, hush" topics that we felt like we couldn't discuss. Much like breastfeeding, miscarriage, infertility, and circumscision. All topics that at one point and time was not discussed.

Or maybe it's because those around us look like they have it all together and if we admit we don't have it all together, they'll look at us differently, look down on us, defriend us, even patronize us. It's like being in a group of people, someone tells a joke, everyone laughs and even though you don't get the joke, you still laugh. Only later do you find out that nobody else got the joke, but they all laughed so everyone around them thought they understood.

Or maybe it's both.

I find myself often in public, criticizing how others parent. Of course, I do it in my head, but I still do it. The mom who threatens to whip the kid, I find myself cringing. The dad who is chasing the toddler down the aisle, I find myself wondering why he just doesn't buckle him in the cart. The mom with the crying infant, I wonder why she's not wearing her or carrying her. It drives me crazy that I do this and most of the time I don't even realize I'm doing it until after the thought has passed and I kick myself for thinking those things.

For me, the above is the reason why I sometimes put that "I've got it all figured out" act on. I know that I criticize others, so I come to the conclusion that others than judge me. I don't want them looking at me and thinking "what is she doing having another kid, when she can't handle the three she has" or whatever thought might race through their head.

I think it's one of those things that need to change. Unless, we have broken our kids of all their will or been blessed with kids who are perfect, we have all been in the mom or dad's shoes. We've had the crying infant, the runaway toddler (or toddler pulling toys off the shelf), the mouthy older child, whatever it may be, we should look at the parents and relate. Be comforted that it's a walk that we don't walk alone. Look at the stranger, smile, tell them they are a great parent, give them reassurance that no matter what is happening at that time, it's just a small thing in scheme of things.

Sadly enough, it seems that those struggles are kept even a bigger secret from those close to us. I have found myself looking forward to adult time with other moms, not to sit and ideally talk about whatever the latest kids tv show is or whatever our child's latest accomplishment is, but instead about the struggles and frustrations I've encountered.

It's such a comfort to be able to say that I don't know what to do about Grace's meltdowns, or that I spanked Christopher because I didn't know how to get him to stop being so aggressive, or that I put Aaron in his bed and let him cry so i could take a breather. I know that I can share those things and then get advice. Tell them how I didn't know what else to do with Christopher and how I feel that spanking is unbiblical and admit my failings. I don't have to hide it, I don't have to pretend I have it all together, I don't have to worry that if I tell them this will they think I'm less of a person. And I figure they haven't defriended me yet.

I've started taking it a step further. I started consciously posting some of these "failings and struggles" on facebook. I figure that's almost as "public" as one can get.

I think I have a lot more thoughts on this...but Aaron headbutted me about 3 hours ago, the tylenol isn't working, my head is pounding, and I've done little else then sit here in my chair and surfed the internet and tried to parent while trying not to make the headache worse...and it hurts to make coherent thoughts, so I should stop while I think I still made some sense.

Another year

2010-05-28T19:47:00.002-05:00

Made it another year :) 6 years ago we said goodbye to our angel and returned to our journey in infertility. A journey, I am so glad that I will never return to, no matter out the outcome.

In those 6 years, I can sadly pretty much sum up where I've been every year since on May 28. It probably helps (or doesn't help) that it's the day before my birthday, so we usually try to combine the two to make a sad day, not such a sad day.
2005--Sue's rehearsal and rehearsal dinner. I bought a new outfit in hopes that feeling pretty would make the day not too bad. The anticipating of the day was much harder than the actual day.
2006--Weekend trip to Peoria. Penny sale at Toys R Us and geocaching
2007--Christopher was almost a week old, my milk finally came in that day, and Christopher stopped breathing in Hobby Lobby
2008-2009--Jon worked, Grace was at school, so it was just usually a boy or two and me.
2010--garage saling, Jon worked, some retail therapy at Shopko, Burger King

The day wasn't horrible. Of course, going to the yard sale this morning and finding that they stil had the gas pump that I really wanted for Christopher was a plus. As was, going to another yard sale and finding a cot to replace Grace's sleepover mattress that Jon ruined was nice, especially seeing how excited she was when she saw it. The only downside was when Grace had another meltdown. Kinda makes me feel like I'm a horrible mom and it brings back all the emotions I had when we struggled with infertility and after the miscarriage. The "I don't deserve more kids because I can't even parent my one child." But, now I know that's not true, but she has a way of acting, which triggers those feelings.

But, I was able walk through Shopko by myself, find perfect gifts for each kid for Children's Day, spend some of my birthday money on outdoor games, and then meet rest of the family for a trip to Burger King. We originally planned on picking up 3 flowers and a stepping stone, but that got postponed until tomorrow. Every May, I picked up something decorative for outside, just my simple reminder of our angel...but shortly after moving to Dixon all except one of them broke (well one year, it arrived broke--so 3 of the remaining 4 broke since we lived in Dixon). So, tomorrow I'll go pick out something decorative and begin the collection again. Then plant 3 flowers for each of the kiddos and next May we'll add another flower (with perhaps a placenta below)for Baby ToT.

I didn't even freak out once that something horrible was going to happen to Baby ToT. No rushes to the ER, no crying to Jon that I just knew, no meltdowns, just a simple listen with the doppler :)

Pretty proud of myself for that fact--and the only money I spent was money that was already allotted for items--well except for the ball that said it bounces 75 feet in the air, that I just had to put in the cart for Jon. All other spending was budgeted or gift money :)

And tomorrow I'll wake up, another day older, and another May 28 behind me.

Grace's schooling

2010-05-26T13:09:00.002-05:00

Back to that subject that I'm always analyzing.

I feel without a doubt that Grace's ministry in life as a child is public school. I know many people disagree that public school can be a ministry, especially for a young child, but since she was young and I knew that her anxiety and shyness was something that I could not address, I felt like public school was where she was suppose to be.

As her academic needs were not being met, I struggled more and more with that decision. I couldn't figure out why deep down when I really thought about it, I knew that public school was where she was suppose to be, but academically she wasn't gaining what she needed. I was heartbroken that the place I thought God wanted her, wasn't doing it's job.

So, Jon and I discussed pulling her out many times and many times I was so torn. I wanted to homeschool, I wanted her home, but I couldn't go against what I felt God wanted. I wanted a clear signal that homeschooling her was the answer and the school was going to drop the challenge program. The answer I wanted--if the challenge program was dropped, I was sure I could convince Jon to homeschool and if Jon was convinced than surely that's what God wanted because He was the only person to be able to change jon's mind.

Instead we got a call from the principal. The school was keeping the accelerated program and Grace was invited to be in it. That means she's one of the top 25 second graders in the school. Jon called the school, talked to the principal and accelerated program teacher. The program is just what Grace needed. Months ago, Jon and I wrote a list of what we wanted in Grace's education and the program can meet most of those goals. We had heard rumors that the teacher may not be a good fit for Grace's personality and that was a huge hurdle. We needed a teacher that could not only understand Grace, but accept Grace. So Jon went in and talked to her current teacher. She said the program is just what Grace needs and she will be fine with the teacher.

Jon is now at the school observing the current accelerated program and the decision will probably be made today.

I'm pretty excited :)

Coping

2010-05-20T16:41:00.002-05:00

I'm really struggling to cope these past couple of weeks. I know it's a combination of things and I'm trying so hard to snap out of it and I just can't

--Jon's job is crazy. Nothing new. I thought now that he had a stable job, working for the same person 25 hours a week, that we'd work out a schedule and we'd be good. Not as easy as it seems. 13 hours on Tuesday he is gone. Only 8 of those ours usually count toweard work time. Then he has to keep track of every minute he spends working. Guess he forgets to do that alot, so a lot harder to get 25 hours in, when you forget to keep track that you are working. Frustrated comes close to describing the feeling I got when I questioned why he was downstiars one day for 5 hours and clocked 3 hours of work. Then he does computer work one day a week. Then he does some other jobs here and there. So, steady income is coming in, the flexibility is nice, but the communication is still very lacking.

--The feeling that something is off and I'm still not feeling the baby. Somedays I don't think about it at all, but other times I get overwhelmed with the feeling of the unknown. By this time with the boys, I had been feeling them for almost 8 weeks and by this time with Christopher, we could see his movement. Add in weird cramping and odd spotting, and I'm a paranoid pregnant women. Thank goodness for the home doppler or I'd have made many frantic calls to the midwife and many frantic trips to the ER. We used a doppler many times with the boys and I never wondered about what we were hearing. But, now I wonder--why does the heartbeat sound like that and why am I hearing it in two different places and why some days can't I even find it.....Did I mention I'm a paranoid pregnant women?

--It's May. My baby turns 3, I turn 32, and the anniversary of my m/c all happens in the next nine days. With Aaron, I was 11 weeks pregnant on the day I m/c, which was scarey because I was 13 weeks when we found out I m/c. So I remember being nervous then, but I didn't have that "feeling" that something was wrong like I do with this pregnancy. Ironically, I was to have a doctor's appt on May 28, but ended up m/c middle of the night and my doctor came to visit me in the hospital that day to do my emergency DnC. I quickly told my midwife that I could not make it to an appt on May 28 so it's on May 26--ironically the day i started bleeding with my m/c. And it's been 6 years, which means all of that stuff happens the same exact day of the week as it did then. Doesn't help with the already paranoid women.

--I just feel blah...about everything. No desire to go to church and really don't see the point of it, no desire to play with the kids, no desire to cook and clean, no desire to do anything. Part of it is because i feel overwhelmed. Tired of feeling like I spend most of the day going behind people and cleaning up. Tired of telling them hang up your jacket, clean your room, throw away the trash, etc. etc. etc. Just frustrated that my purpose in life seems to have dwindled down to taking care of a lot of people without as much as a thank you...and if I get a verbal thank you, they still throw the towels on the floor, forget to change laundry over, still can't find their jacket because it wasn't put away, etc.... So, instead of doing all of that, I spend the day in the chair on the computer. It frustrates me, but when I get up and spend time with the kids and go on adventures, I come home tired and a dirty house that nobody else seems to want to clean. So, I sit on the computer

--All of the above leaves me being short with the kids, not being patient, and cringing when I hear myself talk to them.

So all that to say--GRRRRRRRRRRRRR

The family bed

2010-05-16T11:26:00.002-05:00

I guess Jon and I have a family bed, or probably in our case a couple of family beds. It seems most nights we play a game of musical beds.

Last night was the roughest night in a long time. Grace was sick and when the kids are sick, they sleep close to mommy, to keep mommy's worrys to a minimum. So much easier to check on the sweeties, when I can just roll over.

But, for some reason, last night she seemed to think that sleeping in mommy's bed, meant she had to sleep right next to mommy. So, the first half of the night, I kept waking up because she would move and hit or kick me (I remembered around eleven thirty, that the reason we kicked her out of our bed a little before she turned 5 was because I was tired of my huge pregnant belly being used as a pillow for her head or pillow or as a huge stuffed animal). So, I finally thought I got her to scoot over to her side of the bed and stay there....

Then, Aaron walks in the room. So, up in the bed he goes, in between Grace and I. Grace is back to sleeping in the middle fo the bed, which means Aaron is sleeping on me. So I continue to wake up and having to move Aaron off of me. I finally, give up three hours later and carry him into Jon, who is in Grace's bed.

Thirty minutes later, here comes Christopher. Christopher doesn't like blankets. So, then I'm having to wake up to tell him he can't sleep on the sheet and blanket, he has to sleep under it. We finally fall asleep and all get a litte over an hour of sleep.

Aaron is back in my room. Christopher wakes up, but is still tired so his answer is to play with mommy's hair so he can go back to sleep. Grace starts complaining, because again Christopher is sleeping on the blankets. Jon gets Aaron, I kick Christopher out of bed and sleep for about another ten minutes, when here comes Christopher again complete with two pillows. And Aaron is back.

I yell at Jon, who I kinda figure was up late having some guy bonding time and all I got was kicked and poked through the night and he got to sleep for 3 hours without anyone else in his bed. So, he gets up with the kids and I sleep off and on for another hour.

Sometime last night, in the midst of it all, I woke up, scooted Aaron over and realized how blessed I was and knew that I wouldn't trade our family bed for anything else in the world.

Mommy, you dropped the rope....

2010-05-06T08:49:00.002-05:00

Yesterday, after one of Grace's meltdowns and I convinced her to come cuddle with me (because she was very hurt and instead of just holding her and comforting her, I tried to reason with her, so she retreated to another seat), she told me that some of her family doesn't understand her. I admitted it, I don't understand her. She looked at me with tears in her eyes and said "mommy, you dropped the rope."

Quite a profound statement for an 8 year old. It broke my heart and I can't stop thinking about those five little words, spoken in code, but holding so much meaning that I don't even know where to begin.

I told her, I did drop the rope, but I'd like a second chance. So we sat there on the couch, me just holding her and her reading a book.

Grace is probably the most empathatic person I know. Sometimes, it drives me nuts because it would be nice to read a book or watch a movie with her and her not share the emotions of the characters. She is also the most sensitive person I know. That creates another struggle because some days I don't know when to curb that sensitivity and when it's okay for her to act on it.

Add in the fact that her faith is definately like a child's and her logic is like an adults and we have this 8 year old who can logically argue with an adult, but emotionally is still an 8 year old girl and then she feels lost in a world of family and friends who don't understand her.

I dropped the rope. I got so caught up in myself, in the boys, in forgetting that underneath the logic, intelligent, faith-filled 8 year old there was a little girl who feels stronger and loves more than anyone else I know that I gave up trying to understand her and just expected her to be who I needed her to be.

I'm thankful that she can come to me and let me know when as I mom, I failed and I pray that I will always be open to hearing her tell me I messed up and she needs me to not only hold on to the rope, but pull it so that her and I are closer and closer to understanding, loving and accepting on another.

The end of another chapter

2010-05-02T10:26:00.002-05:00

When I was 14, I was given the option of stopping speech therapy or continuing at the new high school in the special ed program. I voluntarily opted out. I kinda figured after 10 years of receiving almost weekly speech therapy, that if I still could not talk another four years wasn't going to make that much of a difference.

My speech disorder really made me who I am. I don't think I ever would have been an extrovert, but having speech difficulties definately encouraged extreme introvertedness. I still have to really think about everything I say before saying it and make sure I know how to pronounce all the words. I tend to shy away from talking in front of large groups, praying outloud, or anything that makes it so that I don't have time to formulate what I'm going to say before saying it. Crazily enough, I talk very fast. It's another coping skill...if I talk fast enough kinda gives the listener that any mishps are from the speed and not because I can't talk.

I've been told since being an adult that most people who come in contact with me, have no idea that I have a speech disorder. It's comforting to know that I've overcome most of it, but still a part of my everday life.

When we first discussed homeschooling, Jon and I joked that I can teach the kids everything except how to talk and read. We didn't really want our kids pronouncing words like their mommy. We give 10 thumbs up to leapfrog who took my place in teaching Grace how to read.

Anyone who has kids know that kids talking is a large part of parent conversation. Strangers, doctors, friends, they all want to know is your kid talking, what are they saying, etc.... I'm not innocent in the questions and hearing young kids just amazes me.

Deciding to get Christopher services was one of the hardest decisions we ever made. We knew it was the right choice, but hearing that at almost 18 months he had the verbal skills of a 9 month old was hard. He started services at 18 month 3 days (2 days afer Aaron was born). The developmental therapist came to the house weekly to play with him, encouraging sounds, encouraging recognition of common words, encouraging sign language, and just encouraging us. Slowly new words emmerged, but they were still muffled, still hard to understand, and still he was behind in speech.

The therapist suggessted we get his adnoids and tonsils checked and shortly after those were removed (age 26 months), we moved from a DT to a speech therapist. He began making process and as he picked up new words, they were being proncounced almost perfectly, we could understand more and more what he said and he soon went from saying one to two words, to talking in sentences, to being able to have conversations with us.

13 months after speech therapy began, Christopher graduated and was released from speech. They still had concerns, so he continued group therapy and we decided that we would get him evaluated with the school district just to make sure everyone agreed that he was age appropriate in speech.

Friday, 17 months and two weeks after being evaluated by Early Intervention, Early Childhood gave us the all clear. We haven't had the official meeting, but they said he did great. There were some words they couldn't understand, but he had a great vocabulary and he was age appropriate.

So, it's the end of another chapter. We still have to work with him on pronouncing words correctly, still have to ask the occassional "what", but we can tell that everyday he continues.

And as we end the chapter of speech therapy in Christopher, we begin the chapter of speech therapy with Aaron...almost 17 months to the day after Christopher began his journey with the therapist, the same therapist is now visiting with Aaron

More paranoid or intiuition?

2010-04-29T11:22:00.003-05:00

I'm 14.5 weeks pregnant and something still feels off. I can't explain it. I've tried writing it down, I tried talking about it, but I can't explain the feeling.

With Grace, I sailed through the pregnancy without a second thought. Maybe I was naive.

With my second pregnancy, looking back I knew something was wrong. I remember talking to Jon about how I was reading up on miscarriages one day and just how I felt the need to read the stories. At the time, I was still naive enough to think that it wouldn't happen to me, but looking back I realize how comforting those stories were. I knew I wasn't alone.

With Christopher and Aaron, I was afraid something was going to happen, but it was more fear. I was no longer naive, I knew that something could go wrong, I befriended people that had early miscarriages, stillbirths, birthed their baby and then buried them a few days later. But, I never had the feeling that something was off.

With Grace, I remember knowing I was pregnant. Again, I think that was more naivety--I wanted a baby surely it would happen, it did. With Christopher, I had a feeling, but it took a lot of tests to really believe. With Aaron, I had a dream that I was, but still in denial. With this baby, I knew. There was no doubt in my mind and since I didn't want another baby, I was determind that if I got rid of all the baby stuff and didn't take a test, that I could convince myself I wasn't pregnant.

Maybe it's that the feeling of something being wrong, is so like the feeling that I was pregnant, and therefore I'm unable to shake the feeling. Maybe it's that I was content with our family of five and now feel overwhelmed again and like I'm going to have to learn how to be a family of six. Maybe it's that I can count on one finger the number of days I've felt good--not all pregnancy ickness. Maybe I'm just more paranoid.

But, I don't think it's it. I think it's intiuition. I just wish I knew what the iniuition was about. I've dreamed of having another homebirth and was so excited when we found a midwife, realized we could afford her, and that dream was coming true. But, I can't shake the feeling that the homebirth isn't to be. I don't think the homebirth is dangerous or something will happen, it just doesn't feel right.

So, we're being overly cautious. Bought the home doppler and listen to baby's heartbeat. Scheduling the mid-pregnancy ultrasound. Then will figure out where to go.

Part of me is hoping I'm just more paranoid. The more kids we have the more paranoid I find myself being. I guess that could be having two kids hospitalized in less than 6 months :), spending every other day for two weeks at the doctors hospital with a one year old who had bronchitis, having two kids with speech delays, etc....

Chances are good that the baby will be born health and without problems. Chances are good we'll welcome the baby here in our home. Chances are great that he/she will have jaundice, we'll struggle breastfeeding, and I'll have post partum depression.

It would just be nice to know....am I more paranoid or is it intiuition

Summer homeschool

2010-04-18T17:00:00.002-05:00

Well, we still haven't decided if we are homeschooling, but Grace and I did narrow down our topics for summer and ordered our stuff from rainbowresource. It came the other day and I showed Grace it all and she said "you ordered the perfect stuff, mommy." It feels good when I get the approval of the princess.

Our main lesson is going to be countries. She LOVES learning about countries. During the winter we studied China and Russia. We picked up a book about Homes Around the World, a kit that has 48 coloring pages with different houses from 36 countries that has different house facts and includes rubbing plates so we can texturize the homes correctly, an book with art projects from around the world (like batik from Asia), a geography book, a book featuring different countries missionaries may visit and John 3:16 in the country's language, and an around the world cookbook (pavlova from australia, anyone?). Add in some non-fiction books, some story books from the country, and we'll have a lot of fun traveling to faraway lands.

We're going to do some weather experiments. She's beginning to get freaked out again about bad weather, so I'm hoping that her learning how the weather changes and why will calm some of those anxieties. Measuring rainfall, making a snowflake, making our own tornados, and hopefully a couple of rain walks and puddle jumping.

We'll also spend a lot of time studying our family. She wants to know about Grace. So making a family tree, starting a family history book, finally working on creating our own family board game (that we bought years ago and it's still sitting unopened), letting her create her own coat of arms.

She wants to learn more about animals and plants so we'll do somefun things with those. Keeping it simple with just planting a veggie and flower garden and studing a couple of animals. A little bit of time will be spent studying outer space. I kinda figure if we homeschool next school year, this will all be covered then, so I'm not feeling too much pressure to cover these for her, even though they were on her "list."

I'm pretty excited. I love that she loves learning and it's fun exploring all of it with her. I'm kinda torn how to include the boys, so hopefully I can find things that they'll enjoy too.

Homeschool revisited

2010-04-01T15:35:00.002-06:00

So we are at that time of year again...the time where I start wondering what will be best for next year.

I still don't feel like Grace is getting all she should be from school, but I don't know if I can do better. I guess in my head a homeschool student would be lightyears ahead of a public school student, would be learning a lot of stuff geared towards their interest, be doing a lot of hands on activities, and be avery well rounded invidual.

But, I think my view of homeschooling is probably skewed. I know many--what I view as great--homeschooling families and they seem to be just like public school students. They don't seem different, so it has me confused of if my expectations are wrong or if I'm just not viewing them correctly.

I'm also torn if I could meet Grace's need, while meeting the needs of the three youngest at home, take care of the house, and still have my much needed Kendra time. I'm an introvert, I get stressed out easily, I don't normally feel good not pregnant, and I'm a homebody. That is a lot of things to overcome to successfully homeschool.

Way too many self-doubts, questions, and I wish the answer was clear cut.

Do I take it for granted?

2010-03-26T17:29:00.002-06:00

We recently got a call from my mom crying. She told us through her tears that a dear family member was probably going diagnosed with cancer, but were waiting on final tests. The family member was a sweet two year old. I hang up the phone and cried. Everytime I looked at my kids, I just wanted to give them a hug, hold them close, and memorize every inch of them and every action they made. My heart ached for the parents, who were going through other hardships. As I sat on the computer, sending out prayer request after prayer request, I felt an urging to read an old blog on facebook I wrote. The date was a year earlier. Brian had woke up. So a year earlier we as a family, had rejoiced miles away from each other that Brian was awake and now a year later we as a family were again wondering what the future held. We never told Grace what was going on. I didn't want to worry her until we knew for sure. Thankfully, mom called a couple of days later to let us know it probably wasn't cancer, but instead two viruses attacking her body. The official report came back yesterday. No cancer, but the viruses are still taking a toll on her body. How naively, I take my kids health for granted.

Earlier this week, we had Aaron in for speech evaluation. When they told me he was delayed across the board, I wasn't shocked. Just 16 months and a week earlier, we sat in the same place to hear that Christopher was elgible for services and now we were going through it again. But, it was easier this time. Even though Aaron's delay was a whole lot more and in a whole lot more things, it was easier. I had walked the road before, I saw the good that came out of it, I saw the progress he made, I saw the benefits. I know many friends and family questioned us getting the boys services, especially at such a young age, but I kinda figured it's not hurting anything. How naively I took Grace's talkking. If we would have just waited for Christopher to start talking so we could understand him, we'd still be waiting ;)

This pregnancy has kinda been kicking my butt. I told Jon, it's not one thing. With the boys, I knew, I felt horrible because of morning sickness. With this pregnancy, it's just an all over ick. I have about 3 hours a day of good time and I try to get in as much kid spending, house cleaning, quality family time as possible. I told Jon today that I felt off and wondered if something was wrong with the pregnancy. But, I won't focus on that. I still dream about this baby and the future with this baby, but still know if something happens and I miscarry, it'll be easier. Because I've been there, I survived it before, and I know that I'm not taking this pregnancy for granted, but enjoying it despite the ickiness (even though I'm now a hermit so I don't have to exert any extra energy and feel goodness).

All three incidents have helped me realize how easy it is and how quickly I take things for granted. I take my kids health for granted and when they are sick or in a mood, I complain and wish that that wasn't the case. But, if they weren't here...then I would miss those times. I took my kids development for granted and if it didn't happen, I kinda blew it off and figured eventually it would. But, it may not and it doesn't hurt to get that extra boost. If we didn't, I wouldn't be able to hear about the see saw in the strawberries or hear Christopher say "oh, hanks" or ask "where uckie" is. I wouldn't get all excited when I Aaron tries to imitate us. I took my pregnancies for granted. I figured it'd be as easy as saying "let's have a baby" and in 39 weeks hold the newborn in our arms. Then I realized it's not that easy and simple, and was in awe when the test showed we were again expecting and in awe when we came home from the hospital with a newborn instead of hospital issued scrubs to replace my ruined pair from a miscarriage. And in awe that again here I sit, analyzing every twinge and eagerly anticipating the first kicks, and asking Christopher what's in mommy's tummy over and over just so I can hear him say hee haw and have Grace make a point to hug my belly and pat it.

It really makes me want to shout to God that I don't take anything for granted. That I appreciate all He gives us and will take care of it. I won't complain about the car, or the house, or the kids. But, then I realize I have to be real. Taking things for granted is only bad if I forget to stop and remember how blessed we are. Forget to thank God for the blessings and the hardships.

It shouldn't take a scare of cancer, a speech delay or a miscarriage for me to stop and appreciate the little things.

Update on a post, posted March 2, 2008

2010-02-26T17:51:00.002-06:00

The other day, I remembered that I blogged about where I wanted to live a year or so ago and decided I should go and see how much of that came true :)

Sunday, March 2, 2008
where I want to live
Jon and I have seriously been discussing about moving. Where, we don't know so I decided to make a list of things that currently are important to me in finding a new town/house.

--Activities for families, especially for young kids. I would like to drive less than 20 minutes to get to a place that Christopher and I can hang out with other moms
* Yup, yup, and yup!!

--Close to someplace with parents who think a little similar to me. They don't to think just like me (because those are few and far between), but it would be nice to walk down the street and at least see one other mom wearing their baby, cloth diapering, etc....someone who I can talk to those things with and they not think I'm crazy
* Yup, yup and yup!!

--Great school district that offers programs for advanced children. I love Watseka schools, but I fear that Grace is missing out on a lot of academics and I don't think I have the motivation to teach her all she desires
* this frustrates me because when we researched it, we were told it did, but it seems to be worse than Watseka

--Close to friends. Would love to be able to just spend the day with my friends without having to plan overnight trips.
* yup, yup and yup!

--Close to family. I don't know if this is really an option since friends live in northern illinois and most of the family lives in southern illinois. I miss not seeing my nephews and nieces grow up and they grow up way too fast
* yes and no. Yes to some family, but still have to travel to see some family

--Ability to birth the way I desire if I ever get pregnant again. I would love to live somewhere close enough to have another homebirth
* yup!!!

--A great church with young families and a group of people that we can get together with occassionally for bible study and more indepth conversations
* yup, yup and yup!!!

----
What I'd love in a house

--Under $85,000
* not even close
--2 bathrooms
* yes
--3 bedrooms with a family room/living room or bedrooms and just a living room
* yes
--laundry room
* yes
--nice backyard
* yes
--workshop for Jon that could also double as a craft room for me
Grace would really love a two story, but I hate having the main living area and bedrooms on separate levels so unless it has a finished basement she'll probably be out of luck
* well it's not a workshop, but an office for Jon and a craft room. Plus a playroom!
--Close enough that we can walk to the park, the library, some stores, etc...
* I guess technically we could, but we usually only walk to the park and drive everywhere else

So not having 3 out of a long list is great!!!

2010 Goals Updated

2010-02-23T14:06:00.002-06:00

Time to update the goals and figure out if I'm doing what I want or still following God's Will

2010 Goals
Just cuz if I put them down, I'm more likely to do it

--Start working out 4 times a week
* I've done okay with this. Able to get in 20-30 minutes a day while the boys play.

--Lose 25 pounds and get toned
* Guess this will be gain 25 pound s:)

--Stop drinking soda and caffiene (for real this time)
* I haven't stopped drinking it, but have stopped having it in the house

--Daily bible/devotional reading
* Still not doing great with this, but making an effort

--Daily bible/devotional reading with the kids
* Doing it on the weekdays and loving it!

--Cook 3 times a week
* Doing great with this

--Wake up at 6am
* Not happening :) Mommy needs her rest

--Get Aaron and Christopher sleeping through the night (Aaron for the first time, Christopher for the fourth or fifth time)
* Both boys are doing great. Aaron sleeps through 2-3 nights a week and Christopher does until early morning

--Study a country ever couple of weeks with Grace
* We are both really enjoying this. She loves making lapbooks

--Research becoming a doula
* Working on

--Start saving money for doula certification
* Working on

--Research becoming a lactation consultant
* Haven't started yet

--Spend more time with the kids and off the computer
* working on

--Learn to take better pictures
* working on

--Work on scrapbooking
* everything is organized, just need to get down there to scrap

--Become less dependent on Jon
* working on it

--Tackle driving on the interstate
* drove to Dekalb, but haven't driven with just me and the kids yet on the interstate

--Start preschool with Christopher
* having a good time with this

--Become more easy going
* long way to go, but reading The Explosive Child seems to be helping and providing a lot of insight

--Stop being so darn honest
* LOL

All in all I think I'm doing good. I still fill like most of it is what God is trying to work on in my life--maybe not the losing weight, but being more aware of what I'm eating and the kids are eating.

Never ever get rid of baby stuff!!!

2010-02-21T10:10:00.002-06:00

because as Jon and I have learned...it means you will soon be pregnant.

We sold most of our baby stuff in April 2007 and got pregnant in August 2007...after trying for 2+ years.

Sorted all of our baby stuff a couple of weeks ago and posted it all on craigslist--fairly cheap! Whatever didn't sell, we were taking to the second hand store on Saturday. Decided middle of the week to hold onto the carseat, cosleeper and breast pump...just in case.

But, the past week I've been super nauseous, super tired, and super emotional. I kept telling Jon that everything I smelled was making me gag (and actually woke up one night after he was on a work order at a smokers house to tell him to take a shower--LOL). Anyway, I figured before we take it all to the second hand store, better take a pregnancy test. I wasn't too shocked when it came up positive because I suspected...but shocked that we tried so hard after Grace was born and now without even trying we've gotten pregnant twice.

So, due October 24. Really hoping we can make a homebirth work this time.

The nausea is pretty bad. Hopefully the sickness is as mild as Aaron's, even though being pretty much non-existance like when I was pregnant with Grace would be very nice :) Also need to figure out if I want to wean Aaron...

So...here I am pregnant for the fifth time and hoping we will be able to meet this baby this fall!

Depression and Expectations

2010-01-05T18:07:00.002-06:00

I think I've always struggled with a little bit of depression. I think I excused it as part of my introvertness, since it was worse after a long week, crazy day at school. The first time I remember it being bad was in high school when my family started falling apart. Then as my family life got crazier, my moods became dependant on how things were going at home. I thought it was just me being empathatic and takin things too personal and to some extent it could be.

After Grace was born, I suffered from post-partum depression. I didn't recognize it as that, but know I was. Expectations of myself and the expectations I viewed that society had on me. As I met less and less of those expectations, I struggled more and more. I love Grace with all of my heart, but for the first two years of her life, I was a horrible mom, because I pushed my beliefs of parenting aside and parented how I felt society wanted me too--spanking, threatening, determined to win battles, force feeding her vegetables, attempting crying it out (note--I don't think any one of those things make one a horrible parent, I think I was a horrible parent because I knew it wasn't how I was called to parent and I did it anyway).

The infertility and miscarraige made the depression worse. Not being able to conceive another baby, made me really believe that God was punishing me for the way we parented Grace. Logically, I knew that wasn't true, but everyone around us was getting pregnant and I was barren. I withdrew. I didn't want to be around friends because they all had young babies, didn't want to be around pregnant people, and eventually I just avoided people in general. It seemed that eventually everyone had a comment on why I wasn't getting pregnant (I was overweight, God was punishing me for taking birth control, Grace was all I could handle) or those who didn't know we were struggling were asking when Grace would be a big sister, when we'd start trying again, etc.... The depression at that point was at it's worse and as the depression got worse, my anxiety got worse.

After I got pregnant with Christopher until after Aaron was born, the depression and anxiety got a lot better.

It's gotten bad again. It was really bad after Aaron was born and I even asked my doctor for meds, but we decided since I wanted to nurse we'd hold off.

I've learned a lot about my depression. It intensifies when I feel pressured by outside expectations. When I feel like my parenting will be or has been criticized, when I feel like I'm failing my kids someway, or when I feel like my beliefs of something are right,but someone else isn't getting them, when I find myself surrounded by someone who I strongly disagree with, I find myself sinking and having to find my way out of a slump. If I don't pay attention to how I'm feeling, I sink deeper and deeper, until everything and anything sets me off.

I'm hoping that as this year continues, as Jon and I continue working on our marriage to make it Godly and strong, as I parent based on how God is leading me, that I remember to pay attention to my feelings and moods.

Depression can be crippling. It plays a huge part in how I physically feel. For too long, I've let it control my actions and I pray that with good friends, a strong relationship with God, and a supportative family, that I live by God's expectations and not societies and I let God use the depression for His Will.

Some thoughts

2010-01-03T20:24:00.002-06:00

So, last Monday we started a lot of new things in our house and so far, I LOVE them!!!!

--I've started exercising once a day. My intent is to get up at 6:00 each morning, exercising 15-20 minutes a day, taking a shower, waking up Grace for school and enjoying some quiet time before the boys wake up. I'm not sure if that will happen, but since last Monday, I have exercised 30 minutes a day at one point or another.

--Reading my bible. This is what I struggle with most. I have also done this for one whole week. I'm doing a study bible that covers a women of the bible five days a week, reading Jeremiah (is it just me, or is that written really wierd) and reading Captivating (i'm not getting into it and not getting much out of it, but I think I need to finish it, because I've heard it's great and could use help with my feelings of self-worth).

--My most exciting thing is we changed the kids bedtime routine. One night I just decided we were doing things differently. When time allows we play a game with the kids (Aaron usually observes), give the kids a bath and then we all meet on the couch. I read a short board book, read Good Night Moon and give heads and kisses. I then feed Aaron, while Jon reads Christopher his bible storybook and sings to him. When Aaron is asleep, I lay him down and then go do Grace's devotions with her. This has made evenings so much more enjoyable. Instead of feeling quilty or anxious that I didn't spend time with the kids at night or feeling that bedtime was hurried or rushed, I really relax at night. Plus, the kids go lay down so much easier because they know that mommy or daddy will be in to see them.

My biggest worry was that traveling to my parents for four days would throw us off, but I made a point to exercise (wii fit helped--LOL), read my bible and do the kids bedtme routine. I'm glad that I know myself well enough that if I stop doing it once, I'll stop doing it again and again and again.

2010 Goals

2009-12-24T16:52:00.002-06:00

Just cuz if I put them down, I'm more likely to do it

--Start working out 4 times a week
--Lose 25 pounds and get toned
--Stop drinking soda and caffiene (for real this time)
--Daily bible/devotional reading
--Daily bible/devotional reading with the kids
--Cook 3 times a week
--Wake up at 6am
--Get Aaron and Christopher sleeping through the night (Aaron for the first time, Christopher for the fourth or fifth time)
--Study a country ever couple of weeks with Grace
--Research becoming a doula
--Start saving money for doula certification
--Research becoming a lactation consultant
--Spend more time with the kids and off the computer
--Learn to take better pictures
--Work on scrapbooking
--Become less dependent on Jon
--Tackle driving on the interstate
--Start preschool with Christopher
--Become more easy going
--Stop being so darn honest

15 months of Adventure

2009-11-19T12:59:00.002-06:00

This past weekend, Jon and I typed up a timeline of events that occured between February 2009 and November 15, 2009. As we tried to think of important events to include, Jon mentioned how we should type up everything that has happened between August 2008 and now. So, little by little I'm going to work on it :)

August 2009--Plans to move to Dixon, IL :)

August 15, 2009--Our beautiful niece is born and we arrive in Dixon!

October ,2009--Move from the cabin to the farm

November , 2009--Christopher is evaluated for early intervention. He is talking at a 9 month level

November 23, 2009--Aaron Marshall is born at 7:00 am!

November 25, 2009--Christopher begins therapy with a developmental therapist

February 6-8--Aaron is hospitalized for an unknown virus

February 20, 2009--Brian is in a near fatal car accident

May, 2009--Christopher is reevaluated and is measuring at a 18 month level. Starts early intervention playgroup

June 23, 2009--Christopher has his tonsils and adnoids removed and ear tubes put in. Hospitalized overnight after his oxygen levels won't stablize. Diagnosed with sleep apnea and secondary pulmonary hypertension.

July 3, 2009--Our beautiful nephew is born

Saving Money

2009-11-16T17:07:00.002-06:00

Our tenants have moved out and left us without the rent to pay the Watseka mortgage, so now it's time to cut corners. Any creative advice would be oh, so helpful!!

I tend to spend money when I'm stressed and even though it's typically at second hand stores, ebay, or yard sales, it still adds up. I've strived to only buy things when I know the kids will love them and did 90% of our Christmas shopping at yard sales, ebay, and second hand stores so I successfully spent $400 less on Christmas this year than last year.

But, we still need to cut back and I'm not sure where or how.

So creative or obvious advice--send it my way--feel free to e-mail it to me...wadsworthmommy@yahoo.com

Quantity/Quantity Time and Bedtime

2009-09-08T14:39:00.003-05:00

I have a feeling this blog is going to be me rambling. Again, just a bunch of thoughts going through my head and needing to come out.

Bedtime used to be one of my favorite parts of motherhood. Curling up in the bed next to Grace talking to her or reading a book prior to her falling to sleep or rocking Christopher to sleep was something I looked forward to. Then, I had a third child and bedtime has became chaotic. The rocking chair isn't big enough for Christopher, Aaron and I...getting the boys to sleep has became a priority over spending that time with Grace. I now find myself longing for that time to be over, put aside and when both boys are put to bed, I don't want to walk down to Grace's bed to talk with her or read a book with her, insted I just want to rock in the rocking chair, absorbed in the internet world, drinking a soda and having a snack. I want my time. I want to have special minutes before bed with each of the kids, but I don't know how to put it in play. I'm not okay with just sending them each to bed with a hug and a goodnight kiss, I want their last minutes awake that day spent bonding. I don't want bedtime to be a struggle at the end of the day, but relaxation. I just haven't figured out how to do that with 3 kids and find myself often wondering if it's something that only I struggle with and how other families handle bedtime.

I guess that may bring me to quantity/quality time. I find myself spending my days with the kids, most days there is always one kid within ten feet of me. But, I realized that doesn't matter. It doesn't matter how much time I spend with the kids, it matters what I do with that time.

There are 1001 thoughts racing through my mind about this subject and writing them down just jumbles them more. I know I need to work on spending quality time with the kids, just trying to figure out how to juggle me time, household priorities and quality time with the kids so they all happen, none of us get burnt out, and I can feel like at the end of the day my job was done to the best of my ability.

Mommy Wars

2009-08-28T08:07:00.002-05:00

I just finished an article on Mommy Wars. It wasn't in my Parenting Magazine, my Mothering Magazine or any other magazine that I would expect an article entitled Mommy Wars to be in. It was in the current issue of Christianity Today.

That leads me to believe it's an issue among Christians. Not just Christian moms.

It helped me realize I'm smack dab center in the battle and it made me sad. I've been there--guilty of judging a mom and deciding that her decisions weren't biblical or she was sinning. I've been on the receiving end and it's painful.

I recently received a facebook message from an old friend. A battle of mommy wars drove us apart. Her message praised me for nursing for 9 months and in a very roundabout way apologized(I think)for being so critical of me when I had to wean Christopher. The apology came about after she had to wean her 6 month old. A lack of empathy tore friends apart.

I know the mommy wars have been going on since bible times, but it seems that the battles are getting more heated, more hurtful and more frequent.

It made me wonder
--is it ever okay to question another's parenting
--as Christians, how do we approach those we believe are making poor decisions in parenting
--can we parent differently, discuss it and not have it become a battle
--is there only one way to parent biblically

August Updates

2009-08-27T18:54:00.002-05:00

We have been in the Dixon area for a year now. 2.5 months in the cabin, 5 months at the farm and 4.5 months here at the house. It doesn't seem possible.

Jon has been having work orders after work orders. He has even had to turn some down! It's been crazy, but good and he seems to be enjoying it.

Grace is an official second grader. The week before school started, I had a meltdown and couldn't imagine myself ever being okay with her going to second grade at a public school, but it's been amazing 7 days and after the first day of school, I knew that for now this is the place for Grace! She comes home talking in spanish, sign language, some african language, asking me in depth questions about grammer, etc. Breezing through the review work, which is great, but it's really great seeing her come home and learning outside of the standard. Her teacher seems amazing and the perfect fit for her. God had it all under control.

Christopher is a talking maniac! Something clicked and why the road is still long, it's wonderful hearing him talk and have a conversation with him. He misses Grace like crazy, loves on Aaron all day long, and unfortunately may be entering the tantrum stage of a 2 year old. I'm trying to convince Jon he needs a nickname because Christopher is getting to become a mouthful--LOL

Aaron is now 9 months! Pulling up, working on tooth 6 and maybe 7/8. Still a happy baby!

I find myself bored when Grace is at school. Really searching for an outlet so I feel that I have a purpose and don't sit around the house all day on the computer, reading a book, bored. Spend time in the morning with Christopher making something in the kitchen, read a couple of books, clean up around the house, play with CJ and Aaron, feed Aarona a couple of times and then it's 10:00 and I'm bored--LOL.

Not much else going on!

July Update!

2009-07-30T13:08:00.002-05:00

Figured it was time for another Wadsworth Family Update

--Jon is technically unemployed again, as of the beginning of June. He has been working side jobs for the past couple of weeks. The stress is unbelievable and this is the toughest road yet. Finding the balance between family life and his work is hard.

--We are settling into the house wonderfully. All of the large "to do" projects are done and just need to finish hanging up some things on the walls. We are having a yard sale on Saturday to finally sell the clothes and kid items I've been holding on to for years.

--Aaron is 8 months old now! So hard to believe. He is army crawling, getting into a lot, and started putting himself into the sitting position. He is work on his fourth tooth. Everyone comments on how smiley he is and he is definately the smiliest baby I've ever seen. Some days he resembles Guy Smiley from Sesame Street.

--Christopher recently had an overnight stay in the hospital after his oxygen levels wouldn't stay steady following his tonsils/adnoid/ear tube surgery. The difference in his voice was amazing. Still misprouncing a lot of words. He's a lot of fun and we are laughing daily at his antics. We are discussing what happened tomorrow with our regular doctor's office and next Friday will meet with his ENT so hopefully will know what happened and if it's an ongoing health issue.

--Grace is an offical camp alumni now. She had so much fun at Intermediate Camp. She has been attending a Magic Tree House book club and Kreative Writing Class on Wednesdays. I'm still not at peace about her attending public school for second grade.

Still waiting for life to calm down. I'm not sure it will, so guess need to work on just going with the flow. Some days, the large stuff doesn't bother me at all and other days I feel like I'm losing it and don't know which end is up.

Not much else going on.

Not sure what to think Part 2

2009-07-21T18:10:00.002-05:00

So after I typed out my long post, I was pretty much at peace about my beliefs. I knew it wasn't something I was extremely convicted of. I knew what I believed, felt strongly it wasn't a salvation issue, and kinda forgot about it...then I kept getting responses, some on here, some on other blogs, some on e-mails and they all were insightful and greatly appreciated.

None of them swayed me to believe differently (and I don't think that was really anyone's intent), but they all helped me understand why it's important to some and that's what I really desired.

It has been comforting to know that I could post that and get responses and open the door for some meaningful conversations and hopefully strengthen relationships.

Growing up, I don't remember many subjects where my parents taught me something was either black or white. I still find myself turning to dad when I have theological questions, need biblical insight, or just need to talk about an issue because this is what a conversation with him would be like...(total hypothetical conversation)...

Me: "Dad, what is the correct way to be baptized"
Dad: "Well, there are many different beliefs. Some people think A, some people think B, some people think C. If you look in the bible you can see where people who think A use this verse to support it, people who think B use thise verse and people who think C use this verse."
Me: "okay, so what else could those verses mean."
Dad: "such and such. I personally believe, such and such, but you have to read the bible, pray and decide for yourself what God is telling you."
Me: "okay"
and we'd probably discuss it some more with me asking more questions, he telling me different stories of people believing differnet things, commentaries he's read, etc...but the conversation would end with him reminding me I have to make my own decisions and he could be wrong with his beliefs.

Anyway, I guess that's all said to say thanks for all the insight.

Not sure what to think

2009-07-07T16:22:00.002-05:00

I really don't like it when a subject comes up over and over and over again and I can't find adequate material to decide what I believe. It's nice that it comes up so often because it really makes me realize then that it's probably something I really need to research, but the finding material and forming an opinion sometimes leaves me really drained.

Lately, the Creation Musuem and it's founder (I believe he's the founder) has came up in many conversations with many different people. The first time it came up, I researched it, borrowed a video that I felt would give me the most information on the founder's beliefs and formed a conclusion. Felt pretty content in my conclusion and then it came up again...and again...and again... I've asked those I figured would have the most unbiased opinions and would just give me the good, bad and inbetween and neither of those I asked really knew much more than he was the founder and held strong beliefs. I've read articles online for and against the musuem and founder and still remain as confused and uninformed as I did the first time I heard about it.

I usually love digging for information, forming an opinion, finding information to back up that infomation, digging through the bible to see if my opinion can be backed up with scripture, researching some more, discussing it with others and just learning. But, for some reason none of that appeals to me in this situation. I just want to close the book on the subject and be done with it....but it keeps coming up...

So, I guess it's time to dig for info and figure what better place to record that info than the blog. i guess this is the info I'm trying to figure out first

--Does Ken Hams parenting beliefs impact his beliefs on creationism and do they go hand in hand?(my struggle with this is that after watching his video on raising children, his parenting belief doesn't seem biblical to me and it's been hard for me to separate the two and not declare than all of his beliefs to be against my understanding of God's Word)

--Why does ones understanding of creation matter? Is it really a matter of salvation? Does it have to be understood logically or can it be just a matter of faith. Is it enough for me to believe that God said it so it happened or do I need to understand why and how

--Why does it need to be a subject of controversy? Can it be discussed and not turn unbelievers away or if it's discussed is it a given that we will offend the unbelievers?

--Why does there need to be a creation musuem? Is it used as a witnessing tool? What is it's purpose? What outcome was desired? I believe that it can be used to strengthen one's walk with Lord and strengthen ones understanding, but I am not sure how to go about to find out if it can be used as a witnessing tool and to share the salvation story

--Does the story of creation trump all other bible stories or some of them? Why the huge focus on creation and genesis? This is one of my biggest struggles, I don't understand why this set of events that God has devoted to 1/66th of the Bible is sometimes viewed as more important than other parts of the bible.

It's so frustrating to me when a topic comes up and I tend to view it as not important and after quick research form my opinion, kinda shuffle it to the not really thought about anymore part of my mind and then it keeps coming up. So I guess I'm putting it here because I know if I don't I'll just keep shoving it back to the don't want to think about it part of the mind.

Parenting

2009-06-01T13:34:00.003-05:00

Today I was reading an old Mothering Magazine and came across an article by Dr. Sears. The article reminded me that God gave me my kids to parent and He knew what kind of parents they needed. I find myself too often critquing my parenting or feeling judged by others on how I parent and forget way too often that God will give me the wisdom on how to parent. The magazine was a good reminder that there isn't one right way to parent and it's even okay to parent each of my children different because they each have different needs and personalities.

the one part of the article I didn't like was the comment made is that if you are a Christian parent and raise your children with love they will turn out okay. I hate that frame of mind.

But, rest of the article was very encouraging and uplifting!

Update on LIfe

2009-05-20T22:08:00.002-05:00

Brian
Brian was released today from rehab--3 months to the day since his accident. He's doing great and it's truley a miracle!!!! Grace was able to see him over the weekend for the first time since the accident and I think that went a long ways to calming her worry. He will continue with out-patient therapy in St. Louis and eventually should be able to live back on his own

House
We are all settled. We have maybe 10 boxes left of things to unpack and that's mostly things that were used at the farm (Christmas, winter clothes, old kids clothes, etc) that just need put in the correct tub here at the house. The farm needs a good cleaning and then I think we will officially be moved.

Homeschool
We had planned on having a conference with Grace's teacher, the principal and talking to some teachers of 2nd grade, but life got super busy and that was put on the back burner. I'm still not at peace homeschooling her or sending her to second grade and since life is calming down, the discussions have started up again.

Kiddos
Grace is doing great. Behavior wise we still have our great days and horrible days. Became great friends with our neighbor girl, who used to live here and is always excited for buddy meet-ups!
Christopher is still in speech therapy and get to start playgroup tomorrow with other early intervention kids. He is techically meeting with a developmental therapist until an opening is available with the actual speech therapist. He's became quite the mommy's boy and even though he's more gentle with Aaron, he's also super jealous of Aaron. He turns two on Friday and I'm in denial
Aaron will be 6 months on Saturday. Still nursing great, sleeping not so great, is the smiliest baby ever and loves watching everything going around him. Today I caught him pushing himself up on his hands and almost his knees.

That's life in a couple of paragraphs.

8 months in review

2009-04-15T12:44:00.002-05:00

--A beautiful neice born
--A move to the cabin in Grand Detour
--A new school for Grace
--A good many times at the cabin with buddies
--A stuck golf cart
--A good crazy days at the time with a crazy toddler
--A move to a farm in Nachusa
--A very pregnant mommy
--A five hour labor
--A beautiful baby boy
--A crazy adjustment from 2 to 3 kids
--A good many fevers in toddler
--A great time with a developmental therapist
--A great time watching the kids grow and mature and listening to Christopher start talking
--A great holiday with family
--A reasonable offer put on a house and denied
--A good many house hunts
--A horrible phone call telling us Brian was in a car accident
--A house at last
--A horrible phone call saying Brian would be brain damaged, then Brian would die
--A great phone call saying Brian would survivie
--A good many visits to Brian
--A birthday for a princess
--A spur of the moment Easter Egg Hunt
--A hug from Brian
--A good many times with friends
--A new house
--A crazy 8 months that we will never forget

New Closing Date

2009-03-23T08:24:00.001-06:00

Our closing has been moved, so the moving and painting parties have been moved. We now close on April 13, but haven't decided yet when we are going to do everything.

Update on Us!

2009-03-17T13:51:00.002-06:00

Brian seems to be improving, so I figured I'd post now on our family! It seems like our six and half months of borrowing houses is coming to an end!

Lord Willing, we close on our new house on March 31! We are waiting to hear if the sellers will fix the radon problem, then we need to do some painting, carpeting, and moving and we'll have our own place. We'll be the owners of two houses :) Moving date is April 4 and painting is March 31-April 3 evenings if anyone wants to come have a painting/moving party with us! We are getting everything moved in before we put new carpet in, just to assure that the new carpet doesn't get messed up. So the moving in will just consist of putting almost everything in the basement. April 4 is also the day of the Bethel E.C. Egg Hunt at the church so maybe mommies and kiddos can go egg hunting while others move.

Grace turned 7 last tuesday! We had taken a family overnight trip to an indoor water park in Wisconsin as a joint christmas/birthday present and it was a blast!! My good friend's little girls introduced her to barbies so barbies are now a favorite pasttime. Books and games still keep her entertained during the down times she has! I'm actually struggling trying to find books that are emotionally appropriate for her, but still challenge her reading. We are reading Three Cups of Tea together and discussing it and it's really neat to be able to share that with her.

Christopher is almost 22 months and most days is a lot of fun! He LOVES exploring and in the past three days has ended up in the sink, on the stove, and in the laundry bin. He's talking up a storm, but only a handful of words are understandable by strangers and another twenty or thirty are understood by those that now him will or understand the signs he does when talking.

Aaron is almost 4 months old. Rolling both ways, scooting on his belly/tummy a couple of inches (accidental but still fun to watch) and I think he is teething. Nursing is going great, I think. I'm finding it harder and harder to be sure of our success as we near the point CJ started losing weight.

Jon and I are doing great! Love living near so many friends and excited to have a new home! He's working at his parents house and we hope to make the perfect office for him at the new place!

The next couple of months will include many trips to go visit Brian, continued discussion over homeschooling, and decorating our new home, but visitors are always welcome and we'll have room you can stay the night!

Homeschooling Grace....maybe??

2009-03-13T14:57:00.002-06:00

When Grace was born, I figured we'd homeschool her. Then as she got older and had many problems with anxiety, fears, social skills, I knew that I was not able to provide for her needs to get past all of those problems. I was not equipped to handle it and our town did not have any place we could go to assure she got socialization with other kids and adults.

Her years at preschool and Kindergarten really helped. She became a very outgoing little girl who learned to overcome many of her anxieties and fears and those she didn't overcome, she's learned to deal with. The academics weren't much of a concern to me because I knew she needed more help with social skills.

Plus, I knew she could be a great witness to others about Jesus and knew she was stubborn enough she wouldn't let anyone convince her of things she didn't want. A people pleaser she was not. If she didn't want it, didn't believe it, there wasn't any convincing her of it. I got to witness this one day while I was in her class helping and she repeatedly told her teacher that Christmas was not about gifts, but about jesus's birth and everytime another child said otherwise, she would speak up. I knew she would not have that opportunity outside of school at that point in her life.

She's not in first grade and I find myself more and more frustrated with the school system. Grace comes home grumpy, crabby, and seems bored. I don't like that the short amount of time I spend with Grace is with her in a bad mood, grouchy and overly tired. I don't like that she's not learning much academically and most things are review from what she learned last year. I don't like that she's repeatedly bringing home books way below her reading level and finishes them in ten minutes. I'm just all around frustrated.

So we're praying about homeschooling her. I think this is one of those things that I've done another 180 on thinking. I was content not homeschooling her and then boom felt this need to research, thinkng about it, discuss it, etc...

So any advice and insight I guess send it my way. NOt sure how to get started, not sure how to determine what grade level she'd be at for different subjects, not sure what if any curriculum to use..just not sure how to start. So any and all advice is appreciated...and of course many prayers please :)

Saturday Night Update

2009-02-28T20:25:00.000-06:00

Update on Brian. Not so good news.

Thursday night my parents called and gave us the results of Brian's MRI. He has brain laceration, which means that the back of his brain separated. They told us that he would probably be either forever brain damaged or remain in a coma. They told my parents to decide if they would pull the plug or just let him live in his current condtion. Mom and dad thankfully aren't willing to play God and will let him remain in whatever condition God has him in until God takes his life.

He also has double pnuemonia, which could be life threatening. They have him on a tilting mattress trying to break it up and clear his lungs, but they don't know if they'll be able to compltely get it or if the antibiotics will work. His temperture has been between 100-105 the past couple of days. They are weaning his body off the sedation and as suspected he remains in sedation.

I cling to the hope that God works miracles and God can heal him physically and spiritually, but struggle with the knowledge that just because God can, doesn't mean he will.

We've been down in St. louis since Friday afternoon. My older sister lives about 45 minutes away from the hospital so we are staying with her. It is so comforting seeing him. He looks just like Brian with a bunch of tubes hooked up. I keep expecting him to wake up and start talking to me and laughing, but he doesn't and then I get so upset I have to leae the room. Then I'm sitting in the waiting room longing to see him. It has been so comforting being here, surrounded by family and being able to just stand next to him, hold his hand and pray.

Brian's birthday update! Happy Birthday Bubba! I love you!

2009-02-26T06:58:00.000-06:00

Today Brian turns 27. Probably not how he was hoping to spend his birthday, but a good day for updates.

--Yesterday he had hopefully his last surgery. They went in and finished cleaning up his abdomen and were able to sew him shut

--His fever still is between a 100-101, so not as high as it has been, but he's still running a low grade fever

--He is in a medicine induced coma (I was confused about that, but my dad clarified it for me), but when the sedation begins wearing off he is not responding to any stimuli so it is possible he is also in his own coma

--To the best of our knowledge the bleeding in the brain has stopped. I believe they are still monitoring it to make sure it doesn't start again

--They think he may be having mini strokes

All in all good news. The strokes really worry me, but I'm not sure if they should and since it was just a preliminary report, I don't think mom and dad understand what all it means. They hope that today they'll get to talk to a nuerological specialist who will be able to read the MRI report and give them more detailed report.

Thanks for all the continued prayers!

Brian is out of surgery

2009-02-23T19:26:00.001-06:00

Brian got out of surgery a couple of hours ago. They had to stop it occassionally and let his blood pressure stabilize. As of right now, they are done with surgery. They are waiting for swelling to go down and then they can get sew him back up. Tomorrow they will go for the MRI.

He remains in a coma.

Thank you for all the continued thoughts and prayers!

Update on Brian

2009-02-23T10:07:00.000-06:00

Yesterday he began running a fever and they took him out of the drug induced coma (I don't why they stopped sedating him, but they have). He wasn't responding to any stimuli. I'm not entirely clear, but to me it sounded as if he is now in a self-induced coma. The doctors say it's not a significant change and it could just be his body's way of resting itself as it heals.

Today they are going to do an MRI and see if there are missing something with the cat scans. They want to determine the cause of the fever and make sure they aren't missing anything severe. If they don't see anything severe and his condition remains stable, they will begin a second surgery at 11:30 central time today. I'm not sure how long the surgery will last, but I will try to update on my blog (http://thewadsworths2000.blogspot.com/ ) as soon as I get an update. In this surgery they hope to repair his diaphragm. They have not closed him up for his first surgery, just packed the wound, so even though the surgery is very risky, it's not as risky if they had to open him back up.

Today his son also celebrates his 2nd birthday so a very bittersweet day.

Jon and I are hoping to go down this coming Saturday-Tuesday to see him.

Brother in Car Accident

2009-02-20T21:32:00.002-06:00

Posting this here, just for the random readers who can pass the prayer request on.

I guess it'll be easiest to post the news articlea first
http://www.ksdk.com/news/local/story.aspx?storyid=167922
http://www.bnd.com/breaking_news/story/662119.html

The man mentioned is my 26 year old brother, Brian. The passenger of one of the vehicles, he was the only one seriously injured. Dad called this morning and gave Jon the long list of things wrong with Brian, including collapsed lung, broken hip, bleeding in brain..... The accident happened around 3:00 this morning and we got the call around 7:00, I'm not sure when my parents got the call.

I have been calling my older sister for updates and talking to my parents when they are available. Brian is now out of the first of many surgeries and in stable condition. He is in a drug-induced coma, but his vital signs improved as mom and dad talked to him so he does seem aware of his surrounding.

I'm shell-shocked. Brian and I were once great buds, but life got busy, we live 4 hours away from each other, he doesn't have internet access and limited phone, and we talk rarely. Childhood memories revolve around him.

Being four hours away has its plus and minuses. I haven't seen him in the hospital bed hooked up to machines, in a coma. I haven't sat in the waiting room, anxiously watching the door as nurses and doctors come in and wonder what news they have. I haven't seen his ex-girlfriend crying, blaming herself because of a fight they had yesterday. Instead, I wonder if mom and dad are telling me everything, is he really as okay as they say. Will I get a phone call in the middle of the night telling me he has lost his fight to live? Will I be able to see him again.

Then I wonder, will this be the answer to prayer. Will he finally realize that God is all that he needs? Years ago after many years of discussion of prayer and God, Brian and I were coming home in a horrible rain storm. I was driving and as I drove through the downpour, I told Brian, I knew he didn't believe but to just pray that we make it home safely. He told me I didn't even need to ask, he already was. I know he prayed as his son laid hooked up to tubes almost two years ago. But, I know Brian for the most part turned his back on God. I wonder if Brian will lean towards God the next couple of weeks as he recovers.

As a Christian, I struggle, why would God let this happen to my brother? A part of me wants to yell, scream, and cry..tell God it's not fair, our family has had it's share of hurt and pain, to just bless us with good and let bad things happen to families who haven't experienced the heartaches that we have. But, I know that I wouldn't have made it through today as easily as I did if I didn't have God to lean on. He doesn't say that he won't give me more than I can handle, he says I can only handle it with His help.

Houses, houses, more houses

2009-02-18T19:06:00.004-06:00

We feel that our deadline to get out of the farm house is quickly approaching. Jon's grandparents will be back to Illinois end of April, beginning May. Plus, the walls are slowly (or quickly some days) closing in on us. I'm thankful for the house, but ready to have my own place, my own stuff, just my own.

We may not have made the most wise financial choice in years past and that leaves us with little in savings and a very small budget house wise. But, our want list and need list seems to be longer than what we can get for our money.

When we first moved to Dixon we looked at houses, to see what was out there and would go visit open houses when they worked with our schedule and since our house rented, we began really searching for homes. I'm still amazed at some of the houses we looked at. Some of the highlights

--A house out on Route 2. It is kinda out in the country, but right next to another house. The owners didn't even clean, there were flies (or fleas) flying above the pets food dish, the bedrooms were very lived in, and I wasn't sure if I could get out of there fast enough

--A 2 bedroom 1 bath house that we just decided to go see at a open house. Surprisingly enough there were also 2 beds and a bath in the half-finished basement. This house is on our "visit again" list. From the outside it's not the cutest, but an updated living room and four bedrooms is a plus

--A house we also went to for an open house. The house itself was not the greatest, but it had a "buddy" room above the garage. It was way overpriced so it quickly got marked off of our 'workable' list, but when it went down 20K in price we gave it a second look. The rotted floor, nasty dog smell, and tiny bedrooms assured that it was once again put on the definately not list.

--Two houses that were currently rented that the renters stayed during the showing. The first one, some stayed in the living room smoking and there were people upstairs in the bedrooms watching tv. The second one, the renters stayed in the kitchen as we looked.

--The house we affectionally refer to as pinky. A HUGE house that looks like it hasn't been updated since it was built--I think late 1800's. The house was pretty covered in vines, had a cool non-working fountain in the courtyard and was just "cute" in it's own unique way

--The house that I opened the door to what I believed was a panty and insted found stairs. Following the stairs, I came across an empty room. It had a floor and walls, but wasn't finished. The door on the other side of the wall, led to the three bedroom upstairs

--The bilevel which I love! 3 bedrooms all on one level, 1.5 bath, an office for Jon, a large kitchen, perfect in everyway....except it has 5 closets, not storage, the backyard is small and pretty much a slope, you have to drive through two very close trees to get to the garage, and there isn't a dishwasher (a must for me since I hate cooking and dishes--so if I'm going to cook, need a dishwasher).

We are talking about putting an offer on the bilevel, but might wait. We think there are three more houses to look at in our price range and then we aren't sure what to do. I have no doubt that God has the perfect house for it and it'll come in His timing, but I'm impatient and want to know NOW!

Aaron Update

2009-02-08T16:49:00.002-06:00

Last night was a better night. Since they knew he wasn't dehydrated, his numbers were just off, they let us wake him up every 3 hours to feed him. Plus, the nurse was much nicer and made sure to do his vitals when were already up with him.

We woke up and waited for the doctor to come. She got there a little before 10:00 and said all the blood tests came back negative. His urine did show a little bit of staph (?), but that was caused by the way they bagged him for the culture. She checked him over, told us more than likely it was a viral infection, follow up with our regular doctor, and we were free to go. The nurse told us it would be about an hour before we could leave so we started packing up.

I carried Aaron to the bed to change him and was shocked to see his torso and bottom was covered in a rash. In the ten seconds it took me to get the nurse, it had spread to his head. She called the doctor back, but the doctor had already left and couldn't come back immediately, so we sat around and waited.

She got back a little after noon, agreed that it was a rash caused by whatever virus he had and told us we could leave. So we finished packing up and left!

Aaron is doing okay. The antibiotics he's on (as a precautionary measure) give him diarreah so we are changing ALOT of diapers and it also makes him fussier than normal, but we are home. Grace is staying at the in-laws another night and Christopher should be home soon.

I'm still fighting a cold but hopefully in a couple of days we will all be healthy.

A well baby visit, a hospital visit, a cold and much more

2009-02-07T19:32:00.003-06:00

Yesterday, Friday Febraury 6, we had Aaron's 2.5 month well baby visit. Saw our family docotr, got his stats (12 lbs 10 ounces and 24.5 inches tall) and got a clean bill of health. Got home a little before 10:00 am.

Around noon I noticed he was running a fever and was fussier than usual. I didn't think much of it since if the house gets super warm, both boys feel warm to me, but around 1:50 I took his temp and as the thermometer beeped at 103, I called Jon. We got things worked out and we headed back to the doctor at 3:30. Our doctor had left for the day, so we saw another doctor and after not being able to find anything to cause Aaron's sudden temp and discomfort, he told us we were being admitted to the hospital.

Dropped the older two kids off at Aunt Annes with Grandma and got checked into the hospital. He was running a 102 temp and since they didn't want to give him meds until the blood draw, we sat and waited for everything to take place. Jon comforted him as Aaron laid on the bed and the lab tech tried to draw blood. After about 15-20minutes they finally got all the blood they needed and we waited for the x-ray tech to be ready for us. A few minutes later we were escorted to x-ray. Only one of us were allowed in as they did the x-ray, so I stepped out int othe hall and listened as Aaron cried and cried. Of course if I was put in something that resembled this http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.opraxmedical.com/Accessories/PatAsst/Restraints/PIGG-O-STAT_1.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.opraxmedical.com/Accessories/PatAsst/Restraints/&usg=__fLRf_6XIKQYommhBlSBdmpbuKow=&h=325&w=325&sz=23&hl=en&start=1&um=1&tbnid=BHOITunF1Sux0M:&tbnh=118&tbnw=118&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dpigg%2Bo%2Bstat%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26rlz%3D1T4DKUS_enUS262US262%26sa%3DN, I'd cry to. After the x-ray we went back to our room, they bagged him for a urine culture, did some nose swabs and we waited.

After what seemed like days, but was probably just an hour or two, the nurse told us the results of everything so far was negative. A couple minutes later, she told us they think he has bronchitis, they were starting him on antibiotics and since his numbers showed dehydration we had a plan in place. Waking up every 2 hours to feed and the next day the doctor would be in to explain everything and we'd see what happened next. The bronchitis made sense. without any outwardly sign of infection, we all assummed it was something internal, but the dehydration baffled us. He was having the same amount of wet diapers, had been having dirty diapers and didn't appear to have any of the outwardly signs of dehydration. I got the impression the nurse was confused since she explained it to us a lot in different ways and it sounded more like she was trying to understand how a baby that looked healthy could be dehydrated

Saturday (today) we woke up for the ninth or tenth time that night and waited for the doctor. And we waited. And we waited some more.

Doctor arrives and tells us everything so far came back negative. She disagrees with the xray reader (don't remember the technical name for that person) and doesn't believe he has bronchitis. Since he was still running a fever and nothing except dehydration was showing up, she wanted to observe us another night and tomorrow after we got rest of the cultures we'd decide what to do. They checked his dehydration numbers again (BUN is part of what they are looking at) and it came back better, which is good. I also got the impression from the doctor that the reason for the elevated Buns was just do to the fever.

In the meantime, I came down with an awful cold. Jon had it earlier in the week and I thought I was lucky enough to not catch it. But, instead I got it this afternoon. Hoping to not get Aaron sicker, I took cold mes, but they don't seem to be working so we finally asked the nurse which was worse a) A sick mommy sharing her cold germs with her sick baby or b) a baby who is sick not eating well because his source of nourishment is at home sick. Thankfully they decided it was more important for me to be here feeding him.

Jon went and got me a huge box of kleenex and I'm getting ready to try to sleep. Going to keep feeding him every two hours and hopefully tomorrow early evening we'll get the restuls, find out it's just a virus and head back home.

Just a quick update

2009-01-17T09:29:00.004-06:00

As I type this, Jon is changing Aaron's diaper, Grace is quizzing him using her Leapfrog Crammer (a very cool toy), and Christopher is running a fever and just not feeling good. After a very long night, I'm sitting cuddled in my robe and hoping that my sinus headache goes away soon. The house is still on the market and we are hoping in the next couple of weeks we either get an offer to sell it or someone rents it. I talked to my doctor about getting put on something for depression/anxiety, but I didn't want put on something all the time and the 'as needed' stuff isn't breastfeeding safe, so we are just keeping an eye on it.

Picture taken by our good friend Chris Padgett! If you want to see more, they are posted on facebook (and they are totally worth seeing, so join facebook!!)

Natural Family Living

2009-01-03T09:07:00.002-06:00

I got a new book for Christmas from the in-laws--Natural Family Living by Peggy O'Mara. She is the editor of Mothering Magazine.

Mothering Magazine is a resource I wish I knew was available when Grace was a baby. So many of my beliefs written down on paper, yet beliefs that I didn't really follow because I didn't have the support that I needed to put them into practice.

I think I came across mothering.com when I was pregnant with Christopher. I spent hours upon hours reading the forums and for Christmas last year bought a huge lot of past-Mothering Magazine Issues. It was comforting finding people who somewhat thought like me.

I was so excited when I found O'Mara's book on Amazon. A great resource book.

I started reading the book during a 3 hour car ride and finally finished all the sections that currently pertain to me, last night. It is a book I highly, highly recommend to everyone.

Someday I hope to be able to sit down and blog chapter by chapter, putting my insights down so that years from now I can look back and see where I was in my parenting, but for now I just wanted to get the book title written down and acknowledge that it is a great book.

Late night....err Early Morning Ramblings

2008-12-28T02:06:00.002-06:00

Aaron has decided sleep is overrated so he and I are hanging out--he's in his bouncer, which sometimes is the only thing that makes him stop crying.

We've been in Dixon a little over 4 months and life is good, there are the bumps in the road, but overall life is grand.

Postpartum emotions have set in. I'm overly needy and it's really beginning to wear on me. I'm not sure if it's the stress of living in someone elses house, being stressed about money, or just my normal "I need to feel appreciated" hormones that seem to happen after each kid. Or maybe it's the whirlwind of a year that is coming to an end.

I look back on the year and am amazed at how far we've came.

A little less than a year ago, Jon and I were close to separating and there was even a time that the kids and I almost left. Not going to go into details, but I think the stress of the previous years caught up to us and instead of working together, we became two separate people who only looked out for ourselves and occassionally came together to parent the kids. Probably the turning point in our relationship. I can still pinpoint the exact reason(s) and I'm thankful that we hit bottom and were able to talk about it and work on our relationship and now I truly believe our marriage is stronger than ever and I know that with a little tears, discussion, and maybe some raised voices we can get through anything.

Not even 10 months ago we found out that I was pregnant. My sister laughs when I say it was unexpected, but really we didn't think we'd be blessed again so soon after it took years to get pregnant with Christopher. Aaron was born November 23 and, although I havne't figured out the logistics of running errands with 3 kids in the winter (or any other season), the transition from 2 to 3 has been remarkably simple (again maybe because we can just stay home and the weather gives us a good excuse not to get out).

Jon and I always seemed to agree that we would do nothing to prevent having children except Natural Family Planning and after Grace was born, not even that was used and after my miscarriage and infertility issues, I never thought I'd see the day where I said I was done having kids and wanted to do something to prevent. Feelings on this are still so mixed up and everyday, I seem to change my mind. I truly feel that God is control and that he knows how many kids I'm to have and no amount of birth control will stop me from having those kids, but the human side of me wants to make sure that for now I don't get pregnant and wonder how much birth control a person can take at a time--LOL--but then I feel like I'm telling God I don't trust him. But, I don't like myself when I'm pregnant, I spend 9 months feeling horrible, then spend weeks trying to get emotions back in check and not be so darn needy.

It's amazing that a 6 year old can make me feel like such a failure (okay she doesn't make me feel like that because she can't control my feelings, but hopefully you know what I mean). She is a wonderful person, a huge blessing, and I look at her everyday and wonder why God entrusted me with such a precious, precious gift and then wonder what He was thinking. Doesn't he know that she needs a mom who is gentle, doesn't yell, and has just the right words to deactivate her many moods. A mom who makes her feel loved and cherished for who she is, instead of the mom who is constantly on her case about something or another. Many times she makes me want to throw my hands up in the air and just quit, because it seems that every other parent has it together and I'm constantly pulling my hair out or signing after interacting with her. Then I wonder do others look at her and see a brat and wonder what her parents are thinking--like when she's fighting with a 3 year old over a beanbag and the 6 year old starts crying about it being unfair and screaming, what is the parent thinking? or when she fights over a 22 year old male who is like family to her (okay he's really not 22, but I have no idea how old he is even though we discuss it once a month). I just keep hoping that when she's an adult and successfull (because there is no doubt in my mind that she will rock whatever she does and then some) she will remember to thank her mommy and when she has kids she'll realize that I get on to her so much to help her become a better person---so if that was a paragraph of ramblings.

Have I mentioned that I'm overly needy?? More so than usual--LOL. Usually by the end of the night I feel so unappreciated and useless that I go to bed in tears. Crazy part is that i have it pretty easy. Jon is a wonderful husband who would bend over backwards to do anything I ask, but I don't want to have to ask, I just want him to do it. The other day I cried because the Arthur Deli coupons a friend gave me got misplaced and I couldn't find them. Jon did find it, but that's just goes to show how overly emotional and needy I am.

We are headed to Watseka to spend a week hanging with my family. Hoping that a week of talking, laughing and playing with my family helps us regroup and that they drive us crazy enough that when we come back to Dixon, we enjoy the peace and quiet of a family of 5--LOL.

And now I'm going to go tag team Jon and see if he can get Aaron boy asleep.

Pictures

2008-11-27T15:18:00.005-06:00

The three kids

First Thanksgiving...home because Grace is running a fever

Christopher sharing his toys with Aaron, without any prompting from us

Christopher meeting Aaron at the hospital, he's not entirely sure what to think

Grace already in love with her baby brother. She asked us Monday night if we could have another baby :)

Me and my baby boys at 5:30 am. This was the first time Christopher really seemed to be okay with me holding him and Aaron, so I made Jon take a picture--LOL

"Koala Baby"

Going home outfit

A couple of hours old

Our family

What's in a name

2008-11-27T14:58:00.003-06:00

Becky said I should tell how we came up with Aaron's name. Not an exciting story, but guess I should write it down so Aaron will some day know.

We had a list of names we took with us to the hospital. I think there were 40 names on it and then we had narrowed it down to 11. After he was born, we went through and crossed off all names one of us wasn't okay with and we ended up with 5 names--Aaron, Brennon, Connor, Preston, and Wyatt. We knew the middle name was going to be in honor of Reverand Williams, our pastor in college. He died the month before Grace was born. So middle name would be Marshall (first name), Andrew (middle name), Williams (last name) or Jake (nickname). I didn't want to use Andrew because of someone else I knew with the middle name and Jon didn't want to use Williams so we narrowed down the middle name to Marshall or Jake.

Every hour or so we'd say how we needed to talk about names and we'd cross another name off the list. Eventually, the names were narrowed down to Aaron or Preston and we decided Marshall would be the middle name.

Aaron was the name I've been wanting for a couple of months and seconds after the baby was born, I really thought he was an Aaron, but because of how Grace was named (which is kinda funny story), i didn't say anything. It means exalted, high mountain, shining light, mountain of strength. To me it means that he will be a light to the world and like Reverand Williams be an example of a strong Godly Man.
Preson is my maternal grandma's maiden name. We wanted to honor my family.

After many more hours of going back and forth between Preston, we finally decided that although we both liked the name Preston and the connection to my family, Aaron was the name winner.

So at 7:00 pm, Koala baby was named Aaron Marshall.

Aaron Marshall

2008-11-26T08:07:00.002-06:00

Realized didn't update the blog with his name--sorry :) It's not letting me post pics, so I'll try that again later.

Koala Baby is here!

2008-11-23T12:53:00.002-06:00

No name
7 lbs 12 ounces
22 inches
14 cms head

I woke up this morning around 1:00 to go to the bathroom. Before going to bed, I made sure I knew what time it was because at that time nothing was going on and if something started, I wanted to know a general time frame.

2:00 am. Woke up with contractions. Couldn't get back to sleep so went downstairs and started timing them.

2:45 am. Woke Jon up. Had him time contractions as I took a shower. Called the hospital, called Jon's parents, Jon packed his bag and Christopher woke up. Contractions were every 2-3 minutes apart and lasting almost a minute.

3:30. Jon's dad arrives. Christopher is still awake.

3:40. Leave for the hospital. Get gas on the way. Tell Jon that he isn't allowed to make stupid comments. Talk about if we should come up with a name :)

4:15. Arrive at the hospital. Check in at the ER. Get a stupid comment from the nurse about being tiny and labor not being that bad. Answer the hundreds of questions and get monitored.

4:50. Get checked. 5-6 cms. Walk around, call my parents, unpack things so I knew where they were. Get told that my doctor is out so another doctor will be coming.

6:10. Get checked. 6-7 cms. I comment that it's going to be a slow labor. Nurse leaves, I go to the bathroom and have some harder contractions. Think about having Jon get the nurse to check me again, but decide I'm okay.

6:40. Jon goes and asks the nurse to come in to check me. She gets there just as I leave the bathroom and cry to Jon that it hurts really bad. I had told him about two minutes earlier that if I wasn't close to being complete, I was getting an epidural.

6:50. Get checked. 9 cms with a lip. She goes to call the doctor and comes back. I have a really hard contraction and get out of bed. Water breaks and I begin pushing. They are telling me to get back in bed and the thought of that just hurts, but I do--LOL and thankfully unlike with Christopher there are rests between contractions/pushing. I ask the nurses if they know how to give episiotomys given y track record of needing them and then ask one of the nurses if she's holding the baby in until the doctor gets there--LOL. They ask me if I want to touch the baby and I declined.

7:00 am. Baby boy is born. 2 cm tear (so no episiotomy)!!!

7:10 am. A lady in nice clothes walks in. Oh, it's the doctor--LOL. She seems really nice. We try to nurse. She checks me, stiches me up, etc as baby gets checked, weighed, etc.

7:30 am. Baby starts to nurse!!!! Another first for me!!!

9:00 am. Baby has no interest in nursing, but goes back to sleep.

11:15 am. Grace and Christopher arrive. Grace is smitten, Christopher doesn't really care.

11:50 am. Baby nurses for another 20 minutes!! Yeah!!!

1:00. Baby is sleeping on daddy and mommy blogs. Going to try to sleep and nurse baby again.

Pregnant...still

2008-11-21T10:39:00.003-06:00

So I'm officially overdue. No surprise. Expect to be pregnant next week, but hoping baby boy comes before then.

Poor Christopher has no idea what's going on. All he knows is that his mommy is sitting around alot, she is very whiny, and for some reason Grace keeps talking to her belly button (which he thinks is hilarious). I decided that tomorrow we are going geocaching or something fun.

Grace is excited (I think she's just ready for a brother who doesn't beat her up--LOL). Tells the baby everyday he can come and comes home everyday after school sad that mommy and her big belly meet her at the bus stop.

So, the waiting game has begun. I am really hoping that baby comes on his own before we have to start the non-stress tests and ultrasounds on Monday.

Christopher and Speech Therapy

2008-11-16T15:59:00.002-06:00

After much discussion, we decided to get Christopher evaluated for speech. I had severe speech disorder as a child and even after ten years of speech therapy and being out of therapy for over 15 years, I'm still very self-conscious of my speech, so I wanted to get him evaluated at a young age and get him any help he needed.

Thursday we went, answered all the questions, and got all the paperwork filled out. Friday we went to the actual evaluation. A developmental and speech therapist, Jon, Christopher and I went into a small room and played with Christopher. It was amazing watching the therapists interact with him and get answers to the questions they needed. It was fun to watch Christopher interact with them and comforting that he was able to communicate his needs and wants to them. Christopher was pretty much himself, minus the blabbing that usually happens when he is comfortable with someone/a situation.

After about forty-five minutes we went into a larger room. The therapists went into another room to determine where he was developmentally and discuss what they recommended. In order to qualify for Early Intervention, Christopher needed to have a 30% delay in an area. The therapists returned and told us basically what we already knew. Christopher was on or ahead of schedule on everything except speech. With speech, he could understand what is expected at his age (17-18 months), but verbally he was at or below what is expected of a 9 month old.

They did compliment us on our use of sign language and having him point/show us what he wanted. They said it really cuts down on the frustration and it was good seeing that even though he is delayed (48%--I thin they said) he wasn't frustrated and Jon and I weren't frustrated trying to communicate with him, because we taught him various ways to communicate.

Speech therapists are not widely available, so there is not one that can work with right now, but they will be sending a developmental therapist to the house and work with him on speech (so not doing just speech, but it will be part of his therapy). They also gave us a list of things to work with him on. We will be teaching him more sign language, trying to get him to verbalize more when he communicates (even if it's just making a basic sound) and work with strengthening his mouth muscles (the reason he is still drooling is low muscle tone which affects speech).

So far it sounds like he doesn't have the same speech disorder I had, for which I am thankful and I am relieved that we did get him tested early and have a plan in place. But, the other part of me is torn that he has a delay and my baby isn't perfect. But, one day soon he'll say "mama" and associate that with me, and all of the questions of "did we do the right thing" will be answered.